Another Look At How To Get Your Ex Back

A lot of people come to me on Clarapy after it’s too late. They’ve broken up with their partner and the question remains, “How can I get back with my ex!”. If you haven’t already done so, please check out our guide 3 step guide here. Anyway, I have decided to take another look at this topic.  Believe it or not, the question is more complex than the answer.

There is an “I” in relationship.. actually two, and often times the “I” in relationship is ignored. I’m not talking about the internal dialog you have with yourself saying things like, “I want more sex… I need this… I wish we could do…” Ignore that I for a moment and turn your attention to the introspective “I”. The “I” that means no harm. The “I” without an ego. “I” really is a big concept in a single letter; because everything you do think, believe and do stems from that “I” — Think of I as a measuring stick against the backdrop of your greatest aspirations about yourself which is a reflection of your life choices.

When we break up with our partner or our partners break up with us, there sometimes can be a strong desire to mend things. I’ve gone through it, most people watching have gone through it and it’s normal in terms of how we all define our I’s (ourselves) in that moment. But if you are currently going through this right now, be NOT hasty in your decision to douse the searing pain in your heart with a rebound or on your knees begging for forgiveness. Those actions while might feel right in the moment will only undermine the understanding of who you are and what you truly want.

It’s like giving a child a toy, then taking them inside a toy store where they only play with the toy they have been given because they are afraid they won’t find joy in another toy. Yes, people aren’t objects in that since, but hopefully you understand.

It’s only when you turn your attention to who you are on the inside, can you actually begin to see past your own pain and therefore what is causing it. Often times, the things that are causing us pain don’t have to do with the other person, as much as they have to do with our own fears about not finding happiness within ourselves or in another relationship. In our grief we are cursing our ex’s wishing they are as miserable as we are. The truth is, you cannot yourself be happy if you cannot wish that truly for someone else. By truly, I’m referring to the “I” wanting that happiness for your ex whether you get back together with them or not. Only then will see your own beauty and the truth in what will fulfill your own happiness. I know, it sounds like a lot of ZEN buddha, let me share with you a brief story on our Clarapy channel.


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The 3 Day Rule – Ending A Relationship

I just finished speaking with a client. Let’s call her Julie. Julie story is all too familiar. She is interested in a man who by her own account is, “wonderful, but impossible to deal with”. Her situation goes like this:

Partner is preoccupied with working and earning a living often working 60 hours a week. Julie is wanting to spend more time with him and her partner doesn’t seem to be listening. She feels that regardless of his ambitions, her partner should make things work. Fed up, Julie decides she needs to take a break. Hours later she is questioning her decision and is an emotional wreck.

For Julie, her concerns are warranted, but was she too quick to end things being that she is regretting the decision? Maybe, and it depends on a few things. I asked Julie a simple question: If you were to speak with your partner now, what would you do differently? She shared with me her most touching sentiments towards her partner. She said, she would tell him that she appreciated him and loved him very much. She would apologize and underscore the fact that she didn’t really want to take a break from the relationship. In her mind, she just didn’t know what to do because she felt hurt.

I tell everyone before they take a break from their relationship they should give it 3 days before uttering those words. You can be angry, hurt or frustrated for 3 minutes, or even 3 hours, but for 3 days it’s improbable. If you are still angry after 3 days, there is good reason for you to leave, because not only have you had the chance to calm down, but you’ve had a chance to think about all the things complicating your relationship. Of course even after 3 days you might feel you still want to try to work things out. That’s okay, and that is what Clarapy is here for. Bounce ideas off our community of members and professionals who support one another in our every growing endeavors to assimilate the best relationship advice.


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After The Breaking Up & The Importance of Patience

Know Yourself & Your Relationship.

It happens to us all.  The stomach pain, the inescapable urge to vomit — when we have a deep sense our relationship is over. No more romance, no more love, no more long strolls on a moonlit beach. As a relationship expert, I speak to most people in this state despair. Often times they are broken battered and confused about what is going on, what is happening to them which is completely understandable. Most people just want to know one thing – how do I get my partner back?

This is the million-dollar question and I have the 999,999 dollars of the answer. Patience. I know it sounds rather cliché even when I typed it, but it’s true. Patience allow you to truly examine yourself from the inside out. I emphasis “inside” because this is the source of your pain and frustration. I’m not suggesting that the situation that led to your break up is entirely your fault but we play a role. No matter what the circumstances, deeply beneath the the surface lie your answer. Mostly what I find as a relationship expert, are feelings of abandonment, low esteem and self-worth. These thoughts are all a reflection of how you see yourself in your immediate situation and in the bigger picture we call life.

Granted this Zen garden approach might sound easy to antagonize and put into practice, but it’s not. Here is why patience comes into play. Years of not loving yourself with a splash of self-deception quickly become obstacles to your success to introspect. And the question to start asking yourself is who am I, no who really I am I? Only you can with certainly answer that. Who you are is not what happened to you, a time, place or who you are with or were with. It’s a much deeper question which has everything to do with what you know to be true for yourself and believe. This requires full honesty to fully investigate. No secrets for thyself.

I know, who cares about the deeper philosophical existential questions… You need to quell these emotional eddies that continue to interfere with your life and the solution is to get back with your ex. Okay, I will break it down for you in 3 steps:

  1. Figure out who you are or who you really want to be.
  2. <Insert> who you are or who you want to be into the equation that’s preventing you from being with your ex (don’t include your ex in the picture).
  3. Evaluate the equation and solve for Y (yourself). If the new you or who you know yourself to be won’t allow you to remain in the situation no matter how painful things are, then the answer is clear although albeit painful. The converse also holds true.

I know it’s probably not what you were hoping for in terms of actionable items.  The good news is Clarapy offers a pathway for you to fully discover this process of who you are by sharing with others. We offer a free chat room where you can interact with people just like you. Also, if you want private help you can speak with experts such as myself.


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The Best Tips On Making A Long-Distance Relationship Work

Couples find themselves in long-distance relationships for many different reasons, but they are not always easy to maintain. No matter how good your intentions may be, it’s difficult to stay intimate and romantic when you live in separate time zones.

The good news is, there are many things you and your partner can do to keep the romance alive no matter how far apart you may be. The key is to commit yourselves to the plan and keep communication open no matter what. Here are some of the best tips for keeping your bond strong.

Get physical

One of the easiest ways to retain intimacy when you and your loved one are apart is to exchange physical items that can be touched, tasted, or smelled. A favorite soft t-shirt sprayed with perfume or cologne, a box of chocolates from the last city you were both in together; these things work to keep the senses involved and may help when you miss your significant other more so than photographs will.

Get technology involved

Nowadays, there’s no excuse for going days or weeks without seeing your loved one in some form. With Skype, you can video chat with one another at the end of a long day and “share” a glass of wine. Chrome extensions like Showgoers will let you both watch the same show in real time and interact, so you can talk about what you’re watching. Pick a show you think you’ll both like and choose a date night when you can watch together.

Don’t play games

Understand that both of you are putting in the work to make the relationship as strong as possible; don’t keep count of how many times one of you calls the other or drives for a visit. As long as both of you keep communication open, those little disagreements can be averted.

Take vacations together…

It’s important to find ways to relax together when you’re face to face; your relationship is most likely under some strain already, so talk about places you’d both like to visit and start saving for a trip. Making those memories together will certainly strengthen your bond.

…But do everyday things, too

When you are able to visit one another, do mundane things together like grocery shopping or dog walking. It’s important that you both understand how the other lives their everyday life so you can work on being an everyday couple.

Take the pressure off

Sometimes it may seem like friends and family who don’t understand the long-distance relationship are just waiting for you to fail. There can be quite a bit of pressure to measure up to a preconceived notion of what a relationship is, so it’s important to break free of those constraints once in awhile. Check your seriousness at the door and invite your loved one to play a video game online with you, or use Snapchat filters to send silly messages to one another.

Keeping things open and honest is, of course, essential to maintaining a long-distance relationship going. Avoid temptation and build up the trust, because without it, your foundation will crumble.

Fitness nerd Paige Johnson has a passion for strength training, yoga, and weightlifting. She also loves cycling and hiking with her dogs, who she likes to think of as her children. You can find her at LearnFit.org.

Things That Drive Men Crazy “The Check In”

As a relationship expert, I’ve spoken with many men and the problems we face in our relationships with our partners. One of the most common things I hear guys complaining about is the need to check in with their partners just because. Today I spoke with a woman who was frustrated with her partner. Her frustrations stemmed from her fiancé developing a new passion. He simply was not checking as often with infuriated her. She was so distraught about this, she gave back his engagement ring symbolically decapitating the engagement. There we sit at our perspective Internet devices chatting with one another. She’s trying to find the words to express how sorry she is and how she needs to get her fiancé back. You see her fiancé at this point wanted to take a break.

One of the biggest things that will drive a man crazy is feeling as though he has to check in with mom *cough I mean his partner. It’s one of those universal truths that us men unanimously beat their chests about. I can already hear the other side saying, “We just want to make sure you are alright. What if something happened to you? What if I needed to get a hold of you and I couldn’t?” Unfortunately, men know better, at least we think we do. We generally see it as controlling, and manipulating because our mothers have conditioned us so. Don’t get me wrong. We love our mothers (most of us anyway) and we love our partners, but “the check in” is something we fought against screaming bloody murder. Dad didn’t care if we venture out past 8 o’clock PM while mom worried about us and discouraged it.

Though the Y chromosome resisted the notion of “the check-in” I was trying to help (I will call her Melissa) the resolve the fight between her and her fiancé. I acknowledged the importance of “the check in” only if intent of control wasn’t present. It’s true, being that his fiancé is his number 1 his mind should be on her well-being even if he is haplessly embracing a new passion of his. Even though I think “the check in” was being used by Melissa in this case to say, “I want attention or else”, it does have its place in a healthy relationship. It helps strengthen communication between partners which vital.


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Married Male Not Feeling Appreciated

Hello my lovely Clarapy readers! My name is John Hand and I’m a sociologist and psychologist turned relationship expert. Every week I will be blogging about relationships issues coming straight from our community of Clarapy users.

For all people who still don’t know what Clarapy is, I will explain. Clarapy is a community driven relationship advice platform which empowers individuals to tackle any relationship problems head-on. No more feelings of despair, betrayal, guilt, anger or shame. No matter where live, or what kind of problem you have, our community is available to you. To join our community, download our free app for iOS or Android, or access our web version.

Now for today’s topic: Married Male Not Feeling Appreciated

This comes from user @Dlh0432 on Clarapy.

“Me and my wife have been married for 3 years. She has lied, cheated and put me down emotionally. I feel I have wasted time, effort, money and tears on her. I’ve given everything and have nothing left to give. My future was bright but now I’ve been consumed by the wrongdoings and can’t seem to get over it, not because I don’t want to, but because she won’t change her mindset. I regret meeting her and marrying her. Since she has been in my life, I have been at a standstill in everything. No progression, no love, nothing but emptiness. I gave her everything and got nothing in return.”

Now for the sociological perspective

I’ve spoken with many people namely males that feel the same as @Dlh0432 feels. No matter how hard they try to appease their mates (by showing emotion, weakness, fragility), they find themselves figuratively battered and emotionally bankrupted.  Why is that? I believe modern western societies are responsible for this trend. How many films or TV shows have you seen where men are depicted as imbeciles undeserving of emotional consideration from their partners? Silently society gives a nod to this, because as men, we can “take it like a man”. Whether that idea is justified or not, this role that some men find themselves in and it’s problematic for a healthy relationship.

Now to the psychological perspective

For @Dlh0432 he is quick to blame his wife for cheating, lying and putting him down. It’s true in that he is not responsible for her actions, but he is certainly responsible for his actions namely remaining in the situation as it stands. On some fundamental level, he isn’t respecting himself nor the marriage he is working to create because he is allowing the lying and cheating to persist. Could you imagine John Wayne or Denzel Washington allowing their partner to cheat and lie to them? Probably not and if you could it would certainly distort their imagine in your mind. I know to the reach the point of accepting responsibility for your role in a situation is emotionally tremulous and difficult to execute on. But it’s imperative that @Dlh0432 does so if he wants to overcome the situation. @Dlh0432 remaining in a situation where he is not respected as a spouse says more about him then it says about his wife and until he addresses that through therapy or on his own, he will continue to be victimized by his wife and his lack of self-respect in himself.


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Reasons to Leave a Marriage

Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

There are many reasons to leave a marriage. Some are legitimate some aren’t. If you have been thinking about leaving your marriage you need to make sure your reasons are good reasons. No matter who you’re in a relationship with you will have issues to work out on a regular basis. Marriage isn’t easy, whoever says it is probably isn’t married.

When you ask people why they want to leave a marriage they usually hesitate a bit, they don’t come right out with it. Maybe they think it’s too personal, perhaps they’re ashamed or maybe they know they’re reason isn’t a legitimate one.

Anyway, there aren’t many legitimate reasons to leave a marriage. If you want to save a marriage you can usually do it if both parties are willing to work it out.

Here’s my short list of legitimate reasons to leave a marriage:

1. Adultery – If someone is cheating this is a legitimate reason to leave a marriage.

2. Abuse – Whether it’s physical, mental, emotional no one should have to deal with it.

3. Addictions – Any addiction including porn, drugs, alcohol, gambling etc.

4. Religious – If one or the other doesn’t allow freedom of religion.

5. Irretrievable marriage – Both parties don’t want to work on the marriage anymore.

That’s it and even these can be worked out if you both are committed to making it work. It usually takes joint marital counseling and one on one therapy to do it, but it’s possible.

If you’re in turmoil over whether to leave a marriage or stay the decision is too important to not get another perspective and wise counsel. You can also get help online and chat with our community of advice givers and seekers. The best selling ebook Magic of Making Up is a great resource that can help save your marriage.


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Slow Pace Relationships

All People Have Their Own Pace

People all have their own unique pace. Some people always seem to be set on high all the time, others like the slow and steady route a little better. Having different rhythms is natural but when it comes to relationships it can cause misunderstandings. If you find yourself involved with someone who likes Slow pace relationships don’t assume it is because they aren’t interested.

That is the biggest problem people run into, someone who is a little faced pace may feel that their partner isn’t interested if they want slow pace relationships. Once you get past your own insecurities you may want to consider that taking things a little slower isn’t a bad thing… as long as you both talk and are both on the same page.

One of the big problems that many couples have is that they move too fast anyway. When you are going at top speed it is easy to miss potential problems in the relationship and it is easy to mistake lust (or just the desire for companionship) for love.

Slowing things down a little bit basically forces both of you to see the other person as they really are and not just how you want them to be. Again, another problem in relationships is that people don’t see the things that are right in front of their face. The faster you are going, the harder it is to catch your breath and see things in your relationship clearly.

All in all, there is really no downside to going at a slower pace in your relationship but you both need to remember that the two of you need to determine just what each of you means by “taking things slowly”.

One of you may think that the slow pace will only be in reference to things like moving in together or having sex. If one of you has one idea of what “slow” relates to and the other person has another idea it may lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings.

Of course, this can happen in all aspects of your relationship, not just the speed at which you want it to move, that a perfectly innocent misunderstanding can cause a lot of trouble. The two of you really need to find a healthy way of communicating right from the very beginning of your relationship. If you can do that every aspect of your relationship will be easier if you can overcome this one skill.

If your partner wants to take things slow don’t get upset or read too much into it. Talk to them about what their expectations are and what they mean by slow. Make sure you both are on the same page and always keep the communication lines open.

Going at a slower pace will make it easier for you both to get to know each other. Getting to know each other, along with learning good communication skills, can allow you both to have a better relationship. Slow pace relationships are good, don’t get worried if your partner wants to take things slow.


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A Cheating Husband Ruins The Family Bond

Cheating husbands destroy the family.

A cheating husband ruins everything he and his spouse has worked hard to build. Cheating destroys true love. This has been proven true over and over again. Think about it.

How many women would like to see their husbands in the company of another woman for the purpose of romance?

Women want exclusivity. The same goes for men.

No man will approve of his wife having an affair with another man. Men guard their wives jealousy. The same is true for women. Women guard their precious possession, their husbands, jealousy.

Since both parties want exclusivity . . . since both parties want unalloyed dedication of their mates, then each should give their love to only their spouse.

Anything short of this brings family crisis.

Don’t mind what you have been told by web sites dedicated to encouraging married men to cheat on their wives . . . sites that promote infidelity

These sites and their promoters tell men that it is cool to flirt and cheat. They tell men it is harmless fun.

Don’t believe them. These sites are up and running for two reasons.
1. To make money from your innocence and family crisis
2. To make more money.
The truth is . . . any marriage where the husband cheats on his wife eventually fails.

Cheating husbands . . .

  • Betray their wives’ trust.
  • Throw away their wives investment in commitment and dedication
  • Put their wives in a position of uncertainty.
  • Your wife is unsure where your loyalty belong.
  • To her or to your mistress.

Cheating breeds distrust and a feeling of worthlessness and loss in your spouse. If the cheating husband does not stop, the collapse of the marriage is just a few steps away. It will blow up in his face sooner than later. Husbands, love your wives.

The appeal of the young girls who are substantially more beautiful than your wife is a temptation that is not worth the trouble.

If you go ahead and cheat on your wife, you open a wound that will be difficult to heal. Years later, your relationship will still be struggling in the throws of the illicit affair.

If you want more beauty out of your wife, invest in her.

If you want more education out of her, make the needed investment.

You love your wife. Don’t throw that love away for one moment of pleasure.

A husband who cheats on his wife throws love to the wind. And guess what? His sins return to hurt him.

If you are a cheating husband, it is time to stop.

Stop. Stop. Stop.

Your wife and kids deserve the best from you.

Give them the very best and you will be happy.


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Marriage Fitness & It’s Importance

Marriage Fitness

By marriage fitness I’m speaking of staying in shape both physically and mentally. If both of you are into fitness then that’s great and you’re setting a good example for your children to follow. If not, then it’s time to get busy and remedy the situation.

If you’re not in shape physically then it affects your mental health and vice versa. You have to start somewhere, so why not start online by researching ways to exercise as a family and read a few self help e-books. Online is a start then you can take it from there.

Marriage fitness can become  a problem when one person is active and is in good health, but the other one isn’t and doesn’t even make an effort!

It isn’t fair to the spouse who is exercising and working on mental stability while the other one falls apart. After all, as you grow old together the healthy one will then have to take care of the one who is the slacker. As you know this places undue hardship on the family and can cause the marriage to fall apart.

To keep a marriage healthy and fit you both need to be focused on what is the best interest of the relationship. You can’t allow yourself to get out of shape and overweight which is a health risk as well as unattractive.

Being  a slacker or deadbeat can also affect your sex life who wants to have sex with someone who has let themselves go and is no longer appealing.

Whether it’s due to overweight, hygiene, personal care, mental attitude or whatever,  both parties are responsible to keep themselves up for their own well being as well as for the relationship. We are to be an asset to our mate not a liability.

Marriage fitness matters, so if you see yourself here and you’re one of the slackers who has let themselves go then do something about it. It’s never too late to change your lifestyle which will improve the marriage relationship.


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