I just finished speaking with a client. Let’s call her Julie. Julie story is all too familiar. She is interested in a man who by her own account is, “wonderful, but impossible to deal with”. Her situation goes like this:
Partner is preoccupied with working and earning a living often working 60 hours a week. Julie is wanting to spend more time with him and her partner doesn’t seem to be listening. She feels that regardless of his ambitions, her partner should make things work. Fed up, Julie decides she needs to take a break. Hours later she is questioning her decision and is an emotional wreck.
For Julie, her concerns are warranted, but was she too quick to end things being that she is regretting the decision? Maybe, and it depends on a few things. I asked Julie a simple question: If you were to speak with your partner now, what would you do differently? She shared with me her most touching sentiments towards her partner. She said, she would tell him that she appreciated him and loved him very much. She would apologize and underscore the fact that she didn’t really want to take a break from the relationship. In her mind, she just didn’t know what to do because she felt hurt.
I tell everyone before they take a break from their relationship they should give it 3 days before uttering those words. You can be angry, hurt or frustrated for 3 minutes, or even 3 hours, but for 3 days it’s improbable. If you are still angry after 3 days, there is good reason for you to leave, because not only have you had the chance to calm down, but you’ve had a chance to think about all the things complicating your relationship. Of course even after 3 days you might feel you still want to try to work things out. That’s okay, and that is what Clarapy is here for. Bounce ideas off our community of members and professionals who support one another in our every growing endeavors to assimilate the best relationship advice.
Ending a relationship on a high note possible?
Everyone has a time in their lives when they have to contemplate ending a relationship. But how do you break up without causing heartache on both sides? Ending a relationship is hard because we tend to want to hold on to what we have and are afraid of a new life without our partners. But, in certain cases, a strained relationship will only cause more pain and ending a relationship is the best option.
How do you know when ending a relationship is the right path? One person describes relationships as a street with traffic signals. There are green, yellow, and red signals that should tell you to either keep going, be cautious, or stop. A red light means the time has come for ending a relationship. There are several signs that should tip you off, including feeling more pain than pleasure, being betrayed or cheated on, keeping secrets, warnings from friends and loved ones, and being physically or mentally abused. When you are experiencing any of these things, you know ending a relationship is the best answer.
Once you know the time has come, how do you go about ending a relationship without hurting both you and your partner? Experts say that being honest and telling your partner your feelings is the best way to do it. Honestly express that there was something good between you but it’s not there anymore. Reassure the other person that they are a great person and that they aren’t to blame. Also talk about it as a mutual decision so that they don’t feel out of control of the situation.
Another thing you should remember when ending a relationship is that you should be clear about the terms concerning the end. For example, if you don’t want them to call you anymore so that both of you can get over this faster, tell them that. Most importantly, give them time to sort out their own feelings and tell you what they feel. This will provide closure for both of you and understanding each other will help to heal the wounds faster. Remember that your partner is hurting and needs time to cope with the decision as well.
Ending a relationship doesn’t have to be as painful or messy as you might imagine. Having a healthy break up is the best way to get on with your lives and not hold on to something that was not good for one or both of you. Of course this doesn’t mean you should be hasty about breaking up either. Take your time to assess your current situation and determine where your relationship is headed. If you seem to be heading in completely opposite directions, then ending a relationship might be the best choice. If you are still unsure as to whether or not you should end your relationship, please check out our section on how you can save your relationship for good tips on how to rekindle your love.