Another Look At How To Get Your Ex Back

A lot of people come to me on Clarapy after it’s too late. They’ve broken up with their partner and the question remains, “How can I get back with my ex!”. If you haven’t already done so, please check out our guide 3 step guide here. Anyway, I have decided to take another look at this topic.  Believe it or not, the question is more complex than the answer.

There is an “I” in relationship.. actually two, and often times the “I” in relationship is ignored. I’m not talking about the internal dialog you have with yourself saying things like, “I want more sex… I need this… I wish we could do…” Ignore that I for a moment and turn your attention to the introspective “I”. The “I” that means no harm. The “I” without an ego. “I” really is a big concept in a single letter; because everything you do think, believe and do stems from that “I” — Think of I as a measuring stick against the backdrop of your greatest aspirations about yourself which is a reflection of your life choices.

When we break up with our partner or our partners break up with us, there sometimes can be a strong desire to mend things. I’ve gone through it, most people watching have gone through it and it’s normal in terms of how we all define our I’s (ourselves) in that moment. But if you are currently going through this right now, be NOT hasty in your decision to douse the searing pain in your heart with a rebound or on your knees begging for forgiveness. Those actions while might feel right in the moment will only undermine the understanding of who you are and what you truly want.

It’s like giving a child a toy, then taking them inside a toy store where they only play with the toy they have been given because they are afraid they won’t find joy in another toy. Yes, people aren’t objects in that since, but hopefully you understand.

It’s only when you turn your attention to who you are on the inside, can you actually begin to see past your own pain and therefore what is causing it. Often times, the things that are causing us pain don’t have to do with the other person, as much as they have to do with our own fears about not finding happiness within ourselves or in another relationship. In our grief we are cursing our ex’s wishing they are as miserable as we are. The truth is, you cannot yourself be happy if you cannot wish that truly for someone else. By truly, I’m referring to the “I” wanting that happiness for your ex whether you get back together with them or not. Only then will see your own beauty and the truth in what will fulfill your own happiness. I know, it sounds like a lot of ZEN buddha, let me share with you a brief story on our Clarapy channel.


The 3 Day Rule – Ending A Relationship

I just finished speaking with a client. Let’s call her Julie. Julie story is all too familiar. She is interested in a man who by her own account is, “wonderful, but impossible to deal with”. Her situation goes like this:

Partner is preoccupied with working and earning a living often working 60 hours a week. Julie is wanting to spend more time with him and her partner doesn’t seem to be listening. She feels that regardless of his ambitions, her partner should make things work. Fed up, Julie decides she needs to take a break. Hours later she is questioning her decision and is an emotional wreck.

For Julie, her concerns are warranted, but was she too quick to end things being that she is regretting the decision? Maybe, and it depends on a few things. I asked Julie a simple question: If you were to speak with your partner now, what would you do differently? She shared with me her most touching sentiments towards her partner. She said, she would tell him that she appreciated him and loved him very much. She would apologize and underscore the fact that she didn’t really want to take a break from the relationship. In her mind, she just didn’t know what to do because she felt hurt.

I tell everyone before they take a break from their relationship they should give it 3 days before uttering those words. You can be angry, hurt or frustrated for 3 minutes, or even 3 hours, but for 3 days it’s improbable. If you are still angry after 3 days, there is good reason for you to leave, because not only have you had the chance to calm down, but you’ve had a chance to think about all the things complicating your relationship. Of course even after 3 days you might feel you still want to try to work things out. That’s okay, and that is what Clarapy is here for. Bounce ideas off our community of members and professionals who support one another in our every growing endeavors to assimilate the best relationship advice.


After The Breaking Up & The Importance of Patience

Know Yourself & Your Relationship.

It happens to us all.  The stomach pain, the inescapable urge to vomit — when we have a deep sense our relationship is over. No more romance, no more love, no more long strolls on a moonlit beach. As a relationship expert, I speak to most people in this state despair. Often times they are broken battered and confused about what is going on, what is happening to them which is completely understandable. Most people just want to know one thing – how do I get my partner back?

This is the million-dollar question and I have the 999,999 dollars of the answer. Patience. I know it sounds rather cliché even when I typed it, but it’s true. Patience allow you to truly examine yourself from the inside out. I emphasis “inside” because this is the source of your pain and frustration. I’m not suggesting that the situation that led to your break up is entirely your fault but we play a role. No matter what the circumstances, deeply beneath the the surface lie your answer. Mostly what I find as a relationship expert, are feelings of abandonment, low esteem and self-worth. These thoughts are all a reflection of how you see yourself in your immediate situation and in the bigger picture we call life.

Granted this Zen garden approach might sound easy to antagonize and put into practice, but it’s not. Here is why patience comes into play. Years of not loving yourself with a splash of self-deception quickly become obstacles to your success to introspect. And the question to start asking yourself is who am I, no who really I am I? Only you can with certainly answer that. Who you are is not what happened to you, a time, place or who you are with or were with. It’s a much deeper question which has everything to do with what you know to be true for yourself and believe. This requires full honesty to fully investigate. No secrets for thyself.

I know, who cares about the deeper philosophical existential questions… You need to quell these emotional eddies that continue to interfere with your life and the solution is to get back with your ex. Okay, I will break it down for you in 3 steps:

  1. Figure out who you are or who you really want to be.
  2. <Insert> who you are or who you want to be into the equation that’s preventing you from being with your ex (don’t include your ex in the picture).
  3. Evaluate the equation and solve for Y (yourself). If the new you or who you know yourself to be won’t allow you to remain in the situation no matter how painful things are, then the answer is clear although albeit painful. The converse also holds true.

I know it’s probably not what you were hoping for in terms of actionable items.  The good news is Clarapy offers a pathway for you to fully discover this process of who you are by sharing with others. We offer a free chat room where you can interact with people just like you. Also, if you want private help you can speak with experts such as myself.


Married Male Not Feeling Appreciated

Hello my lovely Clarapy readers! My name is John Hand and I’m a sociologist and psychologist turned relationship expert. Every week I will be blogging about relationships issues coming straight from our community of Clarapy users.

For all people who still don’t know what Clarapy is, I will explain. Clarapy is a community driven relationship advice platform which empowers individuals to tackle any relationship problems head-on. No more feelings of despair, betrayal, guilt, anger or shame. No matter where live, or what kind of problem you have, our community is available to you. To join our community, download our free app for iOS or Android, or access our web version.

Now for today’s topic: Married Male Not Feeling Appreciated

This comes from user @Dlh0432 on Clarapy.

“Me and my wife have been married for 3 years. She has lied, cheated and put me down emotionally. I feel I have wasted time, effort, money and tears on her. I’ve given everything and have nothing left to give. My future was bright but now I’ve been consumed by the wrongdoings and can’t seem to get over it, not because I don’t want to, but because she won’t change her mindset. I regret meeting her and marrying her. Since she has been in my life, I have been at a standstill in everything. No progression, no love, nothing but emptiness. I gave her everything and got nothing in return.”

Now for the sociological perspective

I’ve spoken with many people namely males that feel the same as @Dlh0432 feels. No matter how hard they try to appease their mates (by showing emotion, weakness, fragility), they find themselves figuratively battered and emotionally bankrupted.  Why is that? I believe modern western societies are responsible for this trend. How many films or TV shows have you seen where men are depicted as imbeciles undeserving of emotional consideration from their partners? Silently society gives a nod to this, because as men, we can “take it like a man”. Whether that idea is justified or not, this role that some men find themselves in and it’s problematic for a healthy relationship.

Now to the psychological perspective

For @Dlh0432 he is quick to blame his wife for cheating, lying and putting him down. It’s true in that he is not responsible for her actions, but he is certainly responsible for his actions namely remaining in the situation as it stands. On some fundamental level, he isn’t respecting himself nor the marriage he is working to create because he is allowing the lying and cheating to persist. Could you imagine John Wayne or Denzel Washington allowing their partner to cheat and lie to them? Probably not and if you could it would certainly distort their imagine in your mind. I know to the reach the point of accepting responsibility for your role in a situation is emotionally tremulous and difficult to execute on. But it’s imperative that @Dlh0432 does so if he wants to overcome the situation. @Dlh0432 remaining in a situation where he is not respected as a spouse says more about him then it says about his wife and until he addresses that through therapy or on his own, he will continue to be victimized by his wife and his lack of self-respect in himself.


The Girl Next Door – Be Careful.

The Girl Next Door – Be Careful. Infidelity Beckons.

The girl next door is pretty. She is a good neighbor. She is easy to work with. You offer to help her every now and then. Your wife knows this but she trusts you to do the right thing.

girl next door
girl next door

Be careful how close you get while helping that girl next door. Infidelity may just be closer than you think.

Right now, stop and analyze your real intentions. Why are you so particular about helping this girl? Are you getting attracted to her more than is necessary?

You can help your neighbor as often as you wish. There is no harm in that. But as a married man you owe your wife 100% allegiance. Anything that will threaten your marriage must be dispatched with immediate effect. That also goes for any unwholesome or shady relationship outside your marriage.

Is this false alarm?

I assure you it’s not. Many men who fell to infidelity and started a secret affair didn’t initially plan to go that far. They simply wanted friendship. Friendship graduated into affection. Affection turned into holding, hugs, kisses, love making.

The truth is . . . you never know with women. A simple neighborly friendship with the girl next door can suddenly take a sharp bend and become a sizzling secret affair.

This is not a joke. There are countless real-life examples that prove me right.

Most infidelity cases start with a genuine desire to help.

For example, you have a pretty neighbor (she doesn’t have to be pretty to capture you) who needs help. She comes to you and you gladly offer to assist her.
She returns later to thank you and even presents a champagne to your wife to show her appreciation.

You become better neighbors. She visits occasionally. You find her interesting. You soon begin to see an exciting part of her you hadn’t noticed before.

You’re getting close. The girl next door is catching up with you.

Occasionally you stop by at her place to see how she is doing. After some time, your visits become more regular. You begin to notice how tender she is. Oh, she even has a better sense of humor than you imagined.

One day you catch yourself noticing more than you should.

You suddenly realize she has better curves than your wife. She’s slimmer and trendier. She has the physique of a model. She has everything a man needs in just the right place and in the right size.

Your wife . . . if only your wife was just as slime! . . . Or just as beautiful!

You’re going. In fact, you’re gone. The girl next door has sunk her hooks in you.

It’s time to stop. You know you should stop. But you rationalize it away by persuading your senses with the falsehood that you only want to help. What’s so wrong with helping out, you ask?

So you continue to help.

You walk into her house one day and you find the girl next door crying. She has emotional breakdown. Her fiance just broke up with her or she just lost her job. She cries long and hard. You console her but she refuses to be consoled.

You hold her to stop her crying. She holds you back for support. And you keep holding each other. And . . .

The rest is history.

You shouldn’t let yourself get this far. You risk losing everything you have if you do.

A man and a woman are like two oppositely charged magnet. When they are far apart, nothing happens. When they come too close, something snaps. This happens so fast that many people, male or female, crash before they realize it. That is the very reason extra marital affair is so rampart.

A married man should not desire any other woman. You should not work alone with any woman other than your wife. The atmosphere can easily get charged and you may lose your sense of morality.

If your female neighbor needs help, help her through your wife.

Make no mistake about it.

The girl next door is dangerous. No matter how beautiful and innocent she looks, she is poison to your life and your marriage.

Be careful. Infidelity beckons.

It’s your life, it’s your future. Do the right thing.


Marriage Difficulties Or Divorce Difficulties?

Marriage Difficulties

If  you’ve been married any length of time then you know that there are difficulties in marriage. Marriage isn’t for wimps and requires preparation! It’s for couples who are willing to commit to making a relationship work no matter what. Couples who don’t get divorced just because they’re so called incompatible. As far as being incompatible everyone is incompatible in a way.

Really now, are you expecting to be with someone that you’re compatible with in every facet of life? If so, then you have unrealistic expectations. There will be marriage difficulties and they will usually come from having a difference of opinion.

The main problem is emotions when emotions are involved then it’s hard to get past how you feel. That’s why counseling is so important, a therapist is impartial and has no feelings tied up in the issue at hand. Therefore, they can see what’s really going on and determine what can be done to correct the situation.

This is also why family and or friends should not be involved in marriage difficulties since they too are emotionally involved with one or both parties and aren’t impartial.

When there is a fight in a marriage or relationship both parties need to wait until anger has subsided to try and resolve the conflict. Angry people are not logical or rational.

Then once the subject is approached in a rational manner after emotions are on an even keel you can decide if it’s worth debating, or it’s not worth fighting over. In other words, don’t be petty let it go if it’s not important.

Don’t allow pride to keep it alive! Pride is a big issue when it comes to resolving marriage difficulties. A prideful mindset just cares about winning and nobody wins when the marriage ends just because someone wants to win each and every disagreement.

There will always be difficulties in marriage which need to be resolved, so don’t assume you’re incompatible simply because you don’t agree on everything.


Why Men Leave, What Went Wrong?

Why Men Leave

Why men leave can be a mystery at times. Consequently, the woman is left behind wondering what happened or where she went wrong. The truth of the matter is that usually it’s a problem with him not her.

It’s called baggage. He brought it into the relationship with him sometimes the partner knows, but thinks she can change him or it could be he is good at hiding his feelings and she suspects nothing. Either way it ends with him leaving.

Women are always asking why men leave they just don’t get it. It’s unfortunate, but true. They can end up emotionally devastated by his quest for adventure. You see, many times men leave because they’re bored, it’s part of that baggage thing they got going on. They get bored because they’re immature and can’t cope with serious relationships.

Another part of the baggage package of why men leave is they want to go back to the past because they cannot face the reality of today. Typically, there is an old love that they idealize and think they can get back with and make it like it used to be.

Then there’s the men that aren’t really men at all, but are mama’s boys. NOBODY can live up to the way his mother is or was and he compares all women to her.  Okay that is not entirely true, but sometimes the show does fit. These guys many times go back home to live with mama so she can take care of him once again.

And yet another scenario of why men leave is the man who has been married for 30 plus years and suddenly takes off with any young woman who will give him the time of day. This guy is totally in fear of getting old and has what is known as a mid-life crisis and affair at the same time (see how to heal from an affair).

As you can see the reason why men leave isn’t due to anything the woman did, but because of this baggage he brought into the relationship. His fears, his fantasy, his dream, his adventure, it’s all about him, him, him!

When two people are married it can’t be this way it can’t be all about that one person the two have to become one. However men, or women, for that matter, with baggage, aren’t capable of this and shouldn’t be married until they have resolved past issues.


Emotional Transparency in Relationships

Emotional Transparency in Relationships

showing your emotions
A couple showing their emotions

One of the keys to a great relationship is emotional transparency. These emotions that are usually not expressed can be the deeper ones like fear, sadness and longing.

Intimacy is about revealing yourself to your partner. In to me I see is just what intimacy is all about.

One needs to learn not to blame your partner for your own emotional reactions. Also it is important to take personal responsibility for your own feelings. If you live with an abusive man you can always leave instead of blaming him or yourself for your situation.

One of the best ways to communicate without the blame mode is to say, “When you did that I felt sad inside.   Generally, men need to learn to communicate more about fear, sadness and longing while women need to speak about anger.

Emotional Transparency in Relationships: Tip 2

Moments of emotional transparency can totally change a relationship for the better. Most of us need some encouragement to be more open. This is because we do not want our partner to react. We depend on our partner for our positive sense of self. We take it easy and do not express what we are really feeling.

When we hide big secrets from our lover, this uses a lot of energy. The art of telling our partner our feelings frees the energy that previously bound up in the efforts to keep those feeling hidden.

Why is it so hard to say I feel hurt or I feel sad? Most of us have not been taught the importance of emotional transparency. Many of us tend to dismiss our feelings and avoid the more negative ones like anger.

However, if you resist feeling the negative feelings you are training yourself not to fully feel the feelings like joy and bliss.

If you fully feel the negative emotions they pass though in 5 to 10 seconds. If you resist feeling these relationships they get stored in your body on some level.

Emotional Transparency in Relationships: Tip 2

I do not suggest you express your anger to your partner in a physical way. If you get angry, the best thing to say “I feel angry” and “I need some space”. Leave the room and walk, dance or hit the bed to fully express the anger in a safe manner. When you are not triggered anymore, go back and communicate with your partner.

The best question to ask is “Have I talked to anyone any significant thing that I have not talked to my partner about”?

It takes courage to commit to emotional transparency in your relationship. Being able to calm yourself if your partner reacts is a real skill of a mature adult. I like to think of the saying, do not take things personally.

Try to catch your mind when you emotionally react to a situation beyond your control. If you see your reaction you can watch it and notice it will dissolve away in a minute or so. If you breathe deeply and move your body this also helps emotions face away.

Have fun in the challenging of emotional transparency with your partner.


How To Get Your Ex Back In 4 Secret Steps – Step 3

Texting Your Ex Back

Congratulations to make it this far! I am really really excited to share with you my personal Secret Techniques that I have employed to get my ex back.

Now that you have finally understood (If you have been honest with yourself till now) the core elements of in getting back your ex (Step 1) and listed all positive aspects, positive experiences of the relationship you shared with your ex (Step 2), it is now time to discuss the proven texting system that I have shared with you earlier to get back your ex. I’m sure you are very positive and confident by now (you should be).

In case you haven’t read through step 1 and 2. I strongly urge you to read them first before using my secret techniques as going through step 3 alone might be dangerous to your relationship since the it requires the foundations that I have discussed in step 1 and 2.

Here is Step 1: Core elements of a Relationship – Step 1 

Here is Step 2: Transform Your Ex Emotions – Step 2


DisclaimerTip-Top-TackJust a disclaimer here: These are not some kind of B.S techniques, rather it has been proven to be very effective to save not only my dying relationship as well as many of my close friends whom I have shared the secret techniques with. I have never thought of sharing this techniques to the public as I afraid people might just exploit the method and become useless again as other “save relationship”  techniques out there. After much consideration, I decided to give away some of secret techniques that I have used which has proven to be extremely effective as I  can understand and feel the desperate, frustrations and the roller coaster feelings that you are going through right now.

You see, people try all sorts of techniques to get back their lost love but most of the techniques actually do not work. Why? Because most techniques that they have read are already outdated or just some B.S hyped up. A classic approach that was used by many people in the past (and even till now) like directly visiting your ex and pleading him or her to come back to your life. Though this may sound like an easy strategy to some people but truth of a matter is, you are not going to get them back in 90% of the time.

And if the broke up was a result of a fight, serious disagreement, mistrust or some other deadly reason, then pleading and begging is almost 100% not going to work. In fact, one can only make things worse by rushing in without a plan.

If you do not have a plan now, then I strongly urge you read Step 1 for the core elements of relationship again then step 2 which is: Transform Your Ex Emotions.

This secret techniques that I am going to reveal below is a tested and proven techniques based on personal and my close friends experiences.

Using this system is easy if and only if you follow all my instructions that I am going to show you and do not deviate from the rules.

Okay, assuming you have read my step 1 and step 2 guide, then you should have some jotted down some notes about the emotions trigger that I have discussed earlier. Now, you can start using these emotions triggers at your advantage by employing my texting techniques that I am going to share with you below.

My Secret Texting Technique

Sending out the first text 

imagesYou haven’t spoken to your ex for many weeks now. So, your first text should remind your ex that he or she is always your mind (Nothing more than that). You just need to communicate in a way so as to deliver an invisible assurance that you hold no grudges whatsoever towards your ex. At the same time, you need to make sure that you don’t start telling how messed up your life really is after you two parted ways (Even if you have lived somewhat miserable life due to the breakup lately).

Your first message can make use of positive triggers or experiences we discussed in the last step. You can choose a trigger based on the situation or current events going on in your life. It’s okay to wait for a few more days if that helps you to select the best emotion triggers for your first text (you don’t want to take any chances, do you?) You have to be really patient in executing this texting techniques method because that’s how it works. Let’s assume that a positive experience of your choice was watching a great football game together in the stadium. If you are watching another game now, you can text your ex that the game reminded you of him or her. Here is an example to illustrate:

I watched MU take on the Real Madrid in the stadium today and it reminded me how we used to shout endlessly till the whole stadium turned quiet when our team won the game.

At this point, your ex can begin a conversation with you if he or she decided to. It is like opening the door to your ex without saying anything explicitly. The plus point of sending out such a message is that your ex cannot really make out anything from such a message. It just reminds your ex of the good times you spent together. That’s all.

Once you are done sending the first text to your ex, you can expect 4 different kinds of possible outcome:

1. Your ex may not respond at all to your text.

No response’ is not the same as ‘bad response’! Chances are that your ex was surprised to see your text buzzing in their heads after a really long silence. Your ex will most likely be run over by a strong wave of emotion upon reading your text. In any case, do not freak out at ‘no response’ and do not send any more texts. Freaking out is the only mistake you can make in this case. Be calm.

2. Your ex may reply neutrally. 

Let’s say your ex replies as “Great. Hope you enjoyed the match” to your first text.

Do not jump on your feet and start talking about a dozen things at once like a crazy lover upon reading the first response from your ex. Play cool and make sure it’s you who ends the conversation. That’s important (really). For example, you can reply as:

“Thanks. Yes it was great. Okay I’m going to a party now. Later.” That’s what you can say, for example.

3. A real positive response from your ex.

If it was you who broke up with your ex a month (or years) ago, he or she will probably reply this way. Your ex may also reply in a positive tone if he or she has been looking forward to get in touch with you for a really long time but never had the courage to do so.

A positive response from your ex can be “I’m glad to hear that =) How are you!”

You need to reply to this message in the same way as above. Just as you replied casually to a neutral response, you should reply to this positive response from your ex as:

“Life is good =) Okay I’m going to a party now. Later.”

The bottom-line in this conversation is that it’s you who should end the conversation. That’s how you can make your ex feel attracted to you. The longer you make your ex wait for another conversation, the better. Your ex will really be thankful the next time you drop another text!

4. A real negative response from your ex.

Let’s say your ex replies to you as “Do not text me. Please leave me alone”

In this case, you just need to give your ex more time to cool down before you send out your the next emotion trigger text. You should keep silent for few more weeks at a stretch.

Send over a mature reply and wait.

I understand. Hope you’re doing well”

Start sending the right text to your ex and win them back!

Can you see how this works now?

By sending the correct emotion triggers text messages, you are not only going to capture your ex attention, you are also initiating the ice breaker after the long silence.

Of course, do not expect overnight results from your first text, as it is just the beginning. But you can already see how powerful this technique is by now.

There are just so many little known secret techniques that I wish to share with you here but I do not wish to put it online as I do not want people to abuse it and make it no longer effective for your own relationship. And every relationship is facing a unique set of problem that could not be covered in such a short post.

What more suggestions? Join our community of therapists and coaches and people like you in our chat room.


Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back Tips To Live By

Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back

So you’ve just received the dreaded ‘Dear John’ text from your girlfriend telling you it’s all over.  You can hardly believe what you are reading, even though you’ve read it for the umpteenth time.  Your first instinctive action would be to call her and plead with her to come back.  Your friends tell you to get down on your knees and tell her you’re sorry and promise that you will change.  But some other friends tell you to let her go and start anew.  You’re all confused, your heart’s beating as fast as a freight train, you’re nervous and don’t know what to do.  You start to panic. How do you get your ex girlfriend back?

Stop, before you do something you’ll really regret later.  As difficult to believe as it may seem, both sets of your friends have got it wrong. The thing to do is not rush over and talk to her, beg her to come back or confess your love for her. Neither should you forget about her and start anew immediately.  You might find yourself in another relationship on the rebound and lose any chance of getting back your ex-girlfriend.

The first thing you should do is to agree with your ex-girlfriend about the breakup.  Whatever differences you two may have, the best thing to do now is to either come to some compromise or if that is not possible, at least agree to disagree and remain friends while you take a break from each other.  You may be full of regret and want to patch things up so that you can get back together immediately, but if you act on impulse, you’ll most probably drive your ex-girlfriend even further away.  So take some time now to pull yourself together, take a step back and evaluate things.

When you are apart from each other, take steps to put in some necessary changes in yourself.  At the same time, don’t wallow in self pity.  Use this freedom you now have to make some new friends, but don’t start any serious relationship with anyone else as it will only be out of a rebound.  Give yourself at least a few weeks apart from your ex-girlfriend before contacting her again.  In the meantime, think through what went wrong and what you did to contribute to it.  Do not focus on her wrongs, just on your own.  The first step in getting back your ex-girlfriend is to change yourself.

When the time is right, you can take steps to meet up with your ex-girlfriend again.  If she’s not up to it, don’t force her.  You can try again at a more opportune time.  If she’s hesitant about meeting up, just assure her you only want to talk as friends. Make the occasion casual and fun.  Remember when you first started dating?  Be that man again, only better.  Give your ex-girlfriend what every woman wants – security.  Show her that you’re willing to make whatever adjustments in yourself so that she’ll always feel secure.  When you can convince her that you will provide this fundamental thing, you have taken a giant step towards getting your ex back.