Married Male Not Feeling Appreciated

Hello my lovely Clarapy readers! My name is John Hand and I’m a sociologist and psychologist turned relationship expert. Every week I will be blogging about relationships issues coming straight from our community of Clarapy users.

For all people who still don’t know what Clarapy is, I will explain. Clarapy is a community driven relationship advice platform which empowers individuals to tackle any relationship problems head-on. No more feelings of despair, betrayal, guilt, anger or shame. No matter where live, or what kind of problem you have, our community is available to you. To join our community, download our free app for iOS or Android, or access our web version.

Now for today’s topic: Married Male Not Feeling Appreciated

This comes from user @Dlh0432 on Clarapy.

“Me and my wife have been married for 3 years. She has lied, cheated and put me down emotionally. I feel I have wasted time, effort, money and tears on her. I’ve given everything and have nothing left to give. My future was bright but now I’ve been consumed by the wrongdoings and can’t seem to get over it, not because I don’t want to, but because she won’t change her mindset. I regret meeting her and marrying her. Since she has been in my life, I have been at a standstill in everything. No progression, no love, nothing but emptiness. I gave her everything and got nothing in return.”

Now for the sociological perspective

I’ve spoken with many people namely males that feel the same as @Dlh0432 feels. No matter how hard they try to appease their mates (by showing emotion, weakness, fragility), they find themselves figuratively battered and emotionally bankrupted.  Why is that? I believe modern western societies are responsible for this trend. How many films or TV shows have you seen where men are depicted as imbeciles undeserving of emotional consideration from their partners? Silently society gives a nod to this, because as men, we can “take it like a man”. Whether that idea is justified or not, this role that some men find themselves in and it’s problematic for a healthy relationship.

Now to the psychological perspective

For @Dlh0432 he is quick to blame his wife for cheating, lying and putting him down. It’s true in that he is not responsible for her actions, but he is certainly responsible for his actions namely remaining in the situation as it stands. On some fundamental level, he isn’t respecting himself nor the marriage he is working to create because he is allowing the lying and cheating to persist. Could you imagine John Wayne or Denzel Washington allowing their partner to cheat and lie to them? Probably not and if you could it would certainly distort their imagine in your mind. I know to the reach the point of accepting responsibility for your role in a situation is emotionally tremulous and difficult to execute on. But it’s imperative that @Dlh0432 does so if he wants to overcome the situation. @Dlh0432 remaining in a situation where he is not respected as a spouse says more about him then it says about his wife and until he addresses that through therapy or on his own, he will continue to be victimized by his wife and his lack of self-respect in himself.


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Reasons to Leave a Marriage

Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

There are many reasons to leave a marriage. Some are legitimate some aren’t. If you have been thinking about leaving your marriage you need to make sure your reasons are good reasons. No matter who you’re in a relationship with you will have issues to work out on a regular basis. Marriage isn’t easy, whoever says it is probably isn’t married.

When you ask people why they want to leave a marriage they usually hesitate a bit, they don’t come right out with it. Maybe they think it’s too personal, perhaps they’re ashamed or maybe they know they’re reason isn’t a legitimate one.

Anyway, there aren’t many legitimate reasons to leave a marriage. If you want to save a marriage you can usually do it if both parties are willing to work it out.

Here’s my short list of legitimate reasons to leave a marriage:

1. Adultery – If someone is cheating this is a legitimate reason to leave a marriage.

2. Abuse – Whether it’s physical, mental, emotional no one should have to deal with it.

3. Addictions – Any addiction including porn, drugs, alcohol, gambling etc.

4. Religious – If one or the other doesn’t allow freedom of religion.

5. Irretrievable marriage – Both parties don’t want to work on the marriage anymore.

That’s it and even these can be worked out if you both are committed to making it work. It usually takes joint marital counseling and one on one therapy to do it, but it’s possible.

If you’re in turmoil over whether to leave a marriage or stay the decision is too important to not get another perspective and wise counsel. You can also get help online and chat with our community of advice givers and seekers. The best selling ebook Magic of Making Up is a great resource that can help save your marriage.


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A Cheating Husband Ruins The Family Bond

Cheating husbands destroy the family.

A cheating husband ruins everything he and his spouse has worked hard to build. Cheating destroys true love. This has been proven true over and over again. Think about it.

How many women would like to see their husbands in the company of another woman for the purpose of romance?

Women want exclusivity. The same goes for men.

No man will approve of his wife having an affair with another man. Men guard their wives jealousy. The same is true for women. Women guard their precious possession, their husbands, jealousy.

Since both parties want exclusivity . . . since both parties want unalloyed dedication of their mates, then each should give their love to only their spouse.

Anything short of this brings family crisis.

Don’t mind what you have been told by web sites dedicated to encouraging married men to cheat on their wives . . . sites that promote infidelity

These sites and their promoters tell men that it is cool to flirt and cheat. They tell men it is harmless fun.

Don’t believe them. These sites are up and running for two reasons.
1. To make money from your innocence and family crisis
2. To make more money.
The truth is . . . any marriage where the husband cheats on his wife eventually fails.

Cheating husbands . . .

  • Betray their wives’ trust.
  • Throw away their wives investment in commitment and dedication
  • Put their wives in a position of uncertainty.
  • Your wife is unsure where your loyalty belong.
  • To her or to your mistress.

Cheating breeds distrust and a feeling of worthlessness and loss in your spouse. If the cheating husband does not stop, the collapse of the marriage is just a few steps away. It will blow up in his face sooner than later. Husbands, love your wives.

The appeal of the young girls who are substantially more beautiful than your wife is a temptation that is not worth the trouble.

If you go ahead and cheat on your wife, you open a wound that will be difficult to heal. Years later, your relationship will still be struggling in the throws of the illicit affair.

If you want more beauty out of your wife, invest in her.

If you want more education out of her, make the needed investment.

You love your wife. Don’t throw that love away for one moment of pleasure.

A husband who cheats on his wife throws love to the wind. And guess what? His sins return to hurt him.

If you are a cheating husband, it is time to stop.

Stop. Stop. Stop.

Your wife and kids deserve the best from you.

Give them the very best and you will be happy.


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Overcoming Jealousy in Marriage

Overcoming Jealousy in Marriage

Overcoming jealousy in marriage can be hard, but it doesn’t have to be if you know what to do. If you’re a drama king or queen you most likely have fits of jealousy because you thrive on drama. The whole jealousy mindset is about drama and insecurity.

There is such a thing as healthy jealousy where you see someone really is flirting with your spouse or vice versa. Or you have found REAL evidence of cheating not something you made up in your mind. Many times jealousy is imagined and not a reality.

In the later case we call this paranoia. Paranoid people don’t stick to the facts they imagine all sorts of sordid details. There are a few reasons for this and they are insecurity, trust issues, low self esteem, resentment, bitterness, and anger. If a person unresolved issues from their past they may act out with jealousy fits.

Overcoming jealousy may not be easy, but it can be done. If you’re having problems with a jealous spouse or you are one and are acting out by getting passwords to cell phones and computers, accusing, losing sleep and have thoughts racing day and night about what your spouse is doing and where they are, you need help.

Below is list of things you can do to overcome jealousy until you get the help needed

1. Stick to the FACTS! Don’t jump to conclusions and panic

2. Don’t compare yourself with other men/women we all have our strong/weak points

3. Have a talk with your spouse when you’re calm about what is/is not acceptable

4. Jealousy stems from insecurity, look inward, read self help books and take action

5. Strengthen the relationship by spending quality time together

6. Stay positive, paranoid jealousy is negative and hurts both parties

7. This goes without saying- Get counseling asap – therapist, counselor, pastor

Overcoming jealousy is possible, however, you need to acknowledge it and be willing to do whatever it takes to get it out of your relationship forever.


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Bipolar Marriage – The Ride Of Your Life

Bipolar Marriage

A bipolar marriage can be a wild ride, especially if you don’t even know that your spouse is bipolar. All you know is that things have been sort of crazy and that you’re on an emotional roller coaster ride that’s on full speed ahead and about to crash.

Many people who are in a bipolar marriage or relationship have no idea that the problem is bipolar personality disorder. They do know that the relationship is emotionally charged and that each day seems to be more challenging than the last.

People with bipolar tend to be Jekyll and Hyde personalities. Literally changing in minutes! You never know what or who you will encounter at any given moment.

If you suspect that your spouse is bipolar then I advise you to do extensive research on the subject, so that you can be informed. Once you’re pretty sure then you need to get them the help they need. This means setting an appointment with a therapist.

In the meantime while researching there are some things that can help you to cope better. Number one, don’t take anything that your spouse says or does personally. They will do this with everybody, so let it go and don’t give it thought. Second, don’t argue, but agree instead, if not you will start another war that you cannot win!

Third,try to stay positive, so that they will follow your lead. Bipolar people are usually up or down and not balanced. Many times they will pick up on your vibes and do as you do.

Fourth, a bipolar person is usually a taker not a giver, so don’t have unrealistic expectations or you may get hurt often. They’re self-centered by nature and they are what’s most important not you.  FYI, they can also be manipulative and controlling.

As you can see a bipolar marriage can be a serious challenge. However, if they’re diagnosed and receive proper medication then the relationship can be near normal.

So, if you love your spouse, hang in there, and get them the help they need to balance their unbalanced chemical imbalance. Lastly, make sure they take their medication as directed. Otherwise, things can go downhill at lightning fast speed.


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Free Sex – Is Sexual Intercourse Really Free?

Free Sex – Is Sexual Intercourse Really Free?

Free sex is widely advertised. Sex promoters invite you for all night parties where sexual intercourse is declared free. Even the internet promotes free sex. But is sex really free?

The answer is a bold NO.
Few things on earth come free. Sex is not one of them. Contrary to what sex promoters say, sexual relationship between a man and a woman comes at a price. There is a heavy responsibility associated with sexual intercourse.

For example, a man who engages in a sexual relationship with a woman is taking a risk. The risks include . . .

1. Possible pregnancy resulting from the union

2. Sexually transmitted diseases if the girl has slept with several partners

3. A close shave with AIDS

4. Risk of blackmail if you’re married. The girl involved in the illicit affair may threaten to tell your wife if you don’t accede to her demands

5. Risk of losing your job. Some men have sexual intercourse with their workers, secretaries and personal assistants being the most culprit.

Thereafter the worker will expect impossible favors from you. When you don’t give her what she wants, she will set you up and ruin your career.

6. Risk of going to jail. If the girl you had sexual intercourse with is under age, whether you knew it or not before the act, you could go to jail for child abuse.

The risks mentioned above are a few of the many you face when you have a sexual relationship with a woman who is not your wife. Is there such thing as free sex?

Definitely, no.

What about sex workers and free-for-all girls? Aren’t they free?

Simply put . . . No.

It is true that sex workers freely give of themselves for the money. It’s like a paid job. They offer a service. You pay for the service. You get the service. The contract is over and you both go your separate ways.

Both parties got what they wanted from the relationship, right? It’s over between both of you, right? No strings attached, right?

Well, wrong.

You’re dead wrong if you think it’s all over when you pay off a sex worker. The ease with which you got instant sexual gratification will compel you to do it again.

Soon it becomes a habit. Sooner or later you will run into one that will discover your true identity. Then you become a candidate for cheap blackmail.

When you pay her off with a lump sum to forestall the blackmail, she will disappear from your life but only for a while. When she is broke again she will remember you. She will come and blackmail you again. However, this time she will be asking for more.

When the threat becomes constant nuisance, you would wish she were dead and out of your life. But she isn’t going to die soon.

So, something sinister begins to form in your head.

Suppose she dies . . .

You will be a lot safer if she’s dead.

So, suppose she dies . . . now.

You’re on your way to committing murder.

The more you think about it, the more the thought appeals to you. Before you know it, you’re planning the perfect murder.

It all starts with the desire for a fling. Then it degenerates to something deadly.

This brings us back to the real issue.

Free sex is a joke on you. There is no such thing as free sex.

Sexual intercourse comes with responsibility. Those responsibilities are joyful to bear when the sexual relationship is between you and your wife.

Don’t be fooled by advocates of free sex. You will reap what you sow.

Sow righteousness and loyalty to your mate. And reap joy, fulfillment, and inner peace.

Simplify your life.

stick to your wife alone. That is the only way to have a successful relationship.

You will be happier . . . guaranteed.


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Punished Husband – The Dilemma of Husband Discipline By Wife

A Punished Husband

A punished husband is a man with a wife who believes in husband discipline. She grew up believing that the breadwinner should be the boss. And since she has become the breadwinner because the man lost his job, she believes she should dictate the pace in the home. Alternatively, it may be a hereditary thing.

She may have inherited the habit from her mom who was always at loggerhead with her father. She may have witnessed her mother bully her father to submission. So much so that her mother always got what she wanted from her father.

The result?

A woman who grew up believing in husband discipline and determined to make her husband a punished husband.
There is a third possibility.

She may have been taught good manners in relation to love relationship. You may be the product of a stable marriage but who got her head brainwashed by bad company.

Yes, she may actually come from a family where love flourished but then got her mind messed up by women freedom organizations who believe that men’s domination of women is enough.

Their solution?

To retaliate and dominate men by making their husbands a punished husband.

“Yes to husband discipline!” they scream.

There is even a fourth possibility . . . internet sites that preach female domination of males as sport or as entertainment – a pleasurable release.

These sites are sponsored by sexually depraved individuals who have found the net as an uninhibited medium to express evil thoughts and inclinations.
The concept of punished husband and husband discipline may appeal to a small part of you that believe that this has been a man’s world for far too long and it’s about time women took over.

Yes, it may appeal to that subconscious part of you. But is it right?

So this powerful woman dominates her husband. She’s the boss. She bullies her husband. He does her every bidding. After that, what?
Again I ask, is she right?

Obviously the answer is . . . NO.

Why No?

Simple answer . . . it’s unnatural, it’s against the nature of men.

So, she has succeeded at husband discipline. Her husband is now a punished husband. But is she happy?

Absolute Not!

Why?

Simple answer . . . she can’t believe in him anymore. He becomes like dirt. She seeks a stronger man outside.

Why?

Simple answer . . . she wasn’t divinely created to boss her husband. So she does not feel fulfilled when she does.

My advice?

Love your husband. Respect him and work with him.

If deep down in your heart you know you cannot respect a man enough to allow him lead the way, don’t get into a love relationship with him because you will find it disgusting to take orders from him. And that will ruin your happiness and his.

Want to live happily ever after?

Reject the concept of punished husband and husband discipline.

Love your husband. Respect him.


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The Girl Next Door – Be Careful.

The Girl Next Door – Be Careful. Infidelity Beckons.

The girl next door is pretty. She is a good neighbor. She is easy to work with. You offer to help her every now and then. Your wife knows this but she trusts you to do the right thing.

girl next door
girl next door

Be careful how close you get while helping that girl next door. Infidelity may just be closer than you think.

Right now, stop and analyze your real intentions. Why are you so particular about helping this girl? Are you getting attracted to her more than is necessary?

You can help your neighbor as often as you wish. There is no harm in that. But as a married man you owe your wife 100% allegiance. Anything that will threaten your marriage must be dispatched with immediate effect. That also goes for any unwholesome or shady relationship outside your marriage.

Is this false alarm?

I assure you it’s not. Many men who fell to infidelity and started a secret affair didn’t initially plan to go that far. They simply wanted friendship. Friendship graduated into affection. Affection turned into holding, hugs, kisses, love making.

The truth is . . . you never know with women. A simple neighborly friendship with the girl next door can suddenly take a sharp bend and become a sizzling secret affair.

This is not a joke. There are countless real-life examples that prove me right.

Most infidelity cases start with a genuine desire to help.

For example, you have a pretty neighbor (she doesn’t have to be pretty to capture you) who needs help. She comes to you and you gladly offer to assist her.
She returns later to thank you and even presents a champagne to your wife to show her appreciation.

You become better neighbors. She visits occasionally. You find her interesting. You soon begin to see an exciting part of her you hadn’t noticed before.

You’re getting close. The girl next door is catching up with you.

Occasionally you stop by at her place to see how she is doing. After some time, your visits become more regular. You begin to notice how tender she is. Oh, she even has a better sense of humor than you imagined.

One day you catch yourself noticing more than you should.

You suddenly realize she has better curves than your wife. She’s slimmer and trendier. She has the physique of a model. She has everything a man needs in just the right place and in the right size.

Your wife . . . if only your wife was just as slime! . . . Or just as beautiful!

You’re going. In fact, you’re gone. The girl next door has sunk her hooks in you.

It’s time to stop. You know you should stop. But you rationalize it away by persuading your senses with the falsehood that you only want to help. What’s so wrong with helping out, you ask?

So you continue to help.

You walk into her house one day and you find the girl next door crying. She has emotional breakdown. Her fiance just broke up with her or she just lost her job. She cries long and hard. You console her but she refuses to be consoled.

You hold her to stop her crying. She holds you back for support. And you keep holding each other. And . . .

The rest is history.

You shouldn’t let yourself get this far. You risk losing everything you have if you do.

A man and a woman are like two oppositely charged magnet. When they are far apart, nothing happens. When they come too close, something snaps. This happens so fast that many people, male or female, crash before they realize it. That is the very reason extra marital affair is so rampart.

A married man should not desire any other woman. You should not work alone with any woman other than your wife. The atmosphere can easily get charged and you may lose your sense of morality.

If your female neighbor needs help, help her through your wife.

Make no mistake about it.

The girl next door is dangerous. No matter how beautiful and innocent she looks, she is poison to your life and your marriage.

Be careful. Infidelity beckons.

It’s your life, it’s your future. Do the right thing.


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Commitment Relationship Advice

Commitment Relationship Advice

What is one of the major secrets in having a wonderful relationship? Discover some free commitment relationship advice that will help any marriage or partnership.

Energy drains in most relationships is through a lack of commitment to each other. This is the issue of one foot in the door and one out the back door. One partner is always more committed to the relationship compared to the other partner. This results in the low commitment partner being in control of the level of commitment in the relationship. This dynamic can create a lot of conflict in any relationship.

Often the low commitment partner is showing unconscious commitment issues that are from childhood patterns. For example a man might need his mum’s approval more than his wife. He has never grown up as a man with a solid sense of self. He still needs his mum’s approval. He puts his mum ahead of his wife.

Commitment Relationship Advice 1

Breakdowns in relationships can lead to a lot of personal growth. They feel like hell when you are in the middle of a crisis. However, if a couple is courageous enough to look at their issues the problems can be a springboard for a deeper level of intimacy and joy in the relationship.

Whatever we are committed deep down is what we manifest. For example, an overweight person might tell you that they want to lose weight. However, they are manifesting a lifestyle of eating too much and not doing any exercise.

Really, this person is committed to being overweight. I suggest to her to make the following statement. There could be a lot of resistance to making this statement.

I am committed to being overweight.

Now ask her to make a new commitment.

I am committed to changing my lifestyle and good habits to lose weight.

Being honest with yourself is the first step to changing your bad habits and unconscious habits.

Commitment Relationship Advice 2

So we first acknowledge our unconscious commitment issue. I suggest saying this commitment out aloud and at the same time to breathe deeply.

Now make a new commitment based on what you really want in life. It is good to start with “I commit…”

I hope you put into practice this free commitment relationship advice.


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Marriage Fights – Who wins?

Marriage Fights – Round 1

Marriage fights are inevitable nobody is going to get along all the time. Some fights will be full of drama and others just petty little arguments. How you handle both is crucial if you want your marriage to last. You can’t expect to win every fight!

That’s right, sometimes you will be the loser and you need to be okay with that. If not, you may have a pride problem. People with pride issues have to be right all the time.

Pride can be a relationship killer and is the enemy and not a friend. Not being able to admit to being wrong in a marriage can result in unresolved conflict. This can escalate into resentment, which is an underlying anger that simmers and never gets put to rest.

To resolve marriage fights you need to keep an open mind to solutions and see things from the other person’s point of view. It’s a matter of having respect for their thoughts and feelings. In other words, it can’t be all about you. Their opinion matters too!

Both people involved in a marriage fight or conflict need to be honest about their role in the argument. Throwing blame and being in denial will not resolve anything.

Good old fashioned honest communication is what will resolve marital fights no matter how mad both of you are. Both of you must analyze your motive, behavior and actions.

If need be get a third party who can be objective such as a pastor, counselor or therapist. Sometimes well meaning family members only make matters worse.

Keep in mind that serious marriage fights can be a wake up call to get both of you to resolve issues that have been brewing for months or years.

Lastly, stay positive and believe for the best. Negativity needs to be avoided like pride and resentment. Those three are a recipe for divorce!


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