Married Male Not Feeling Appreciated

Hello my lovely Clarapy readers! My name is John Hand and I’m a sociologist and psychologist turned relationship expert. Every week I will be blogging about relationships issues coming straight from our community of Clarapy users.

For all people who still don’t know what Clarapy is, I will explain. Clarapy is a community driven relationship advice platform which empowers individuals to tackle any relationship problems head-on. No more feelings of despair, betrayal, guilt, anger or shame. No matter where live, or what kind of problem you have, our community is available to you. To join our community, download our free app for iOS or Android, or access our web version.

Now for today’s topic: Married Male Not Feeling Appreciated

This comes from user @Dlh0432 on Clarapy.

“Me and my wife have been married for 3 years. She has lied, cheated and put me down emotionally. I feel I have wasted time, effort, money and tears on her. I’ve given everything and have nothing left to give. My future was bright but now I’ve been consumed by the wrongdoings and can’t seem to get over it, not because I don’t want to, but because she won’t change her mindset. I regret meeting her and marrying her. Since she has been in my life, I have been at a standstill in everything. No progression, no love, nothing but emptiness. I gave her everything and got nothing in return.”

Now for the sociological perspective

I’ve spoken with many people namely males that feel the same as @Dlh0432 feels. No matter how hard they try to appease their mates (by showing emotion, weakness, fragility), they find themselves figuratively battered and emotionally bankrupted.  Why is that? I believe modern western societies are responsible for this trend. How many films or TV shows have you seen where men are depicted as imbeciles undeserving of emotional consideration from their partners? Silently society gives a nod to this, because as men, we can “take it like a man”. Whether that idea is justified or not, this role that some men find themselves in and it’s problematic for a healthy relationship.

Now to the psychological perspective

For @Dlh0432 he is quick to blame his wife for cheating, lying and putting him down. It’s true in that he is not responsible for her actions, but he is certainly responsible for his actions namely remaining in the situation as it stands. On some fundamental level, he isn’t respecting himself nor the marriage he is working to create because he is allowing the lying and cheating to persist. Could you imagine John Wayne or Denzel Washington allowing their partner to cheat and lie to them? Probably not and if you could it would certainly distort their imagine in your mind. I know to the reach the point of accepting responsibility for your role in a situation is emotionally tremulous and difficult to execute on. But it’s imperative that @Dlh0432 does so if he wants to overcome the situation. @Dlh0432 remaining in a situation where he is not respected as a spouse says more about him then it says about his wife and until he addresses that through therapy or on his own, he will continue to be victimized by his wife and his lack of self-respect in himself.


Slow Pace Relationships

All People Have Their Own Pace

People all have their own unique pace. Some people always seem to be set on high all the time, others like the slow and steady route a little better. Having different rhythms is natural but when it comes to relationships it can cause misunderstandings. If you find yourself involved with someone who likes Slow pace relationships don’t assume it is because they aren’t interested.

That is the biggest problem people run into, someone who is a little faced pace may feel that their partner isn’t interested if they want slow pace relationships. Once you get past your own insecurities you may want to consider that taking things a little slower isn’t a bad thing… as long as you both talk and are both on the same page.

One of the big problems that many couples have is that they move too fast anyway. When you are going at top speed it is easy to miss potential problems in the relationship and it is easy to mistake lust (or just the desire for companionship) for love.

Slowing things down a little bit basically forces both of you to see the other person as they really are and not just how you want them to be. Again, another problem in relationships is that people don’t see the things that are right in front of their face. The faster you are going, the harder it is to catch your breath and see things in your relationship clearly.

All in all, there is really no downside to going at a slower pace in your relationship but you both need to remember that the two of you need to determine just what each of you means by “taking things slowly”.

One of you may think that the slow pace will only be in reference to things like moving in together or having sex. If one of you has one idea of what “slow” relates to and the other person has another idea it may lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings.

Of course, this can happen in all aspects of your relationship, not just the speed at which you want it to move, that a perfectly innocent misunderstanding can cause a lot of trouble. The two of you really need to find a healthy way of communicating right from the very beginning of your relationship. If you can do that every aspect of your relationship will be easier if you can overcome this one skill.

If your partner wants to take things slow don’t get upset or read too much into it. Talk to them about what their expectations are and what they mean by slow. Make sure you both are on the same page and always keep the communication lines open.

Going at a slower pace will make it easier for you both to get to know each other. Getting to know each other, along with learning good communication skills, can allow you both to have a better relationship. Slow pace relationships are good, don’t get worried if your partner wants to take things slow.


A Cheating Husband Ruins The Family Bond

Cheating husbands destroy the family.

A cheating husband ruins everything he and his spouse has worked hard to build. Cheating destroys true love. This has been proven true over and over again. Think about it.

How many women would like to see their husbands in the company of another woman for the purpose of romance?

Women want exclusivity. The same goes for men.

No man will approve of his wife having an affair with another man. Men guard their wives jealousy. The same is true for women. Women guard their precious possession, their husbands, jealousy.

Since both parties want exclusivity . . . since both parties want unalloyed dedication of their mates, then each should give their love to only their spouse.

Anything short of this brings family crisis.

Don’t mind what you have been told by web sites dedicated to encouraging married men to cheat on their wives . . . sites that promote infidelity

These sites and their promoters tell men that it is cool to flirt and cheat. They tell men it is harmless fun.

Don’t believe them. These sites are up and running for two reasons.
1. To make money from your innocence and family crisis
2. To make more money.
The truth is . . . any marriage where the husband cheats on his wife eventually fails.

Cheating husbands . . .

  • Betray their wives’ trust.
  • Throw away their wives investment in commitment and dedication
  • Put their wives in a position of uncertainty.
  • Your wife is unsure where your loyalty belong.
  • To her or to your mistress.

Cheating breeds distrust and a feeling of worthlessness and loss in your spouse. If the cheating husband does not stop, the collapse of the marriage is just a few steps away. It will blow up in his face sooner than later. Husbands, love your wives.

The appeal of the young girls who are substantially more beautiful than your wife is a temptation that is not worth the trouble.

If you go ahead and cheat on your wife, you open a wound that will be difficult to heal. Years later, your relationship will still be struggling in the throws of the illicit affair.

If you want more beauty out of your wife, invest in her.

If you want more education out of her, make the needed investment.

You love your wife. Don’t throw that love away for one moment of pleasure.

A husband who cheats on his wife throws love to the wind. And guess what? His sins return to hurt him.

If you are a cheating husband, it is time to stop.

Stop. Stop. Stop.

Your wife and kids deserve the best from you.

Give them the very best and you will be happy.


Is A Muscular Woman A Better Choice?

Muscular Woman

A muscular woman is certainly not every man’s dream. But a muscle woman does have some advantages. Is a muscular woman a better choice?

She could be, depending on who’s looking.
Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. This means that your personal likes and dislikes, your personal taste, determines what is of value to you.

If you desire a hard working woman with resilience and tenacity, you may find that a muscle woman is just the ideal woman for you.

However, if you have eyes for a trim woman, a woman with the looks, height, and shape of a model, no woman will please you except the one with the features you desire.
So, is a muscular woman a better choice?

Yes, if the muscle woman and the characteristics that go with having her are just what you’re searching for.

Now for the advantages of a muscle woman.

    • She has stamina
    • She has a commanding presence
    • She can move mountains
    • She can defend you
    • She may even be beautiful

But if she is a muscle woman with a temper, you may become a battered husband. Here’s a real life story.

Margaret was a tall muscular woman married to George, a slim man of average height. George was a cool-headed man who didn’t like being embarrassed and had a strong aversion for trouble.

Margaret was not only a muscular woman, she was also an aggressive woman with a temper. She enjoyed quarreling and fighting to a fault. Many times she would get into a needless quarrel with her husband and sometimes beat him up.

Her attitude became a real nuisance to George.

One day, pushed to the edge, he sent for Margaret’s elder brother. Victor, Margaret’s elder brother, came promptly in view of the urgency of the call.

After he heard the sad story his sister’s husband had to tell, he queried his sister on her unruly behavior. The sister wasn’t anywhere near remorseful.

This angered Victor.

Pissed off, he told the husband the wife was taking advantage of him because he was too quiet. He said the sister won’t dare a thing like that if he were in the husband’s shoes.

Margaret warned her brother to keep his distance or else he’ll regret getting involved in her family’s business.

“You think you can beat me up like your husband?” Victor asked angrily. “Don’t mess with me. I’m not a lazy man like your husband”.

There was angry exchange between the two. And before Victor knew it, he was flat on his back. Margaret’s move was swift. She picked him up in one sweep movement and slammed him on his back.

Victor got up, dusted his clothes, and left without saying a word. His bragging about not been lazy like Margaret’s husband was just empty mouthing.

Perhaps you too have seen a muscular woman battering her unequally matched husband.

Note that this does not mean every muscular woman is a husband batterer. Many muscle women . . . a cultured muscle woman . . . are very respectful and considerate of their husband.

The truth is . . . what makes a woman respectful of her husband is not whether she is a muscular woman or not. In fact, some aggressive women are thin and small in stature.

A woman’s behavior towards her husband is dependent on how she grew up . . . the values she was taught as a child. Remember that charity begins at home. So a well brought up woman will of necessity keep her place in the family as a respectful and committed wife.

How do you avoid becoming a battered husband . . . the victim of a muscle woman?

Well, it all starts during the courtship years.

What kind of woman are you dating?

    • Is she cool-headed, level-headed muscle girl?
    • Is she respectful, loving, and kind?
    • Is she mild-tempered?
    • Is she a lover of peace?
    • Is she reasonable?
    • Is she considerate of others?

A family where fighting between husband and wife is a common feature is not the kind of family you want to have. A marriage where there is peace and love is what every sane man desires.Consequently, evaluate your mate careful before committing to marriage.

This is not about whether the woman is a muscular woman or muscle woman. It’s about her personality. It’s about her attitude toward you.

Make your choice. But do it right so you don’t live through the pain of a joyless relationship.


Love Don’t Cost A Thing – Or Does It?

Love Doesn’t Cost A Thing – Or
Does It?

True love don’t cost a thing. Actually it does cost something. Don’t be fooled. You can’t fall in love and stay in love without paying the price.

So, what price are you prepared to pay for love?
Some women pay with their career.

Many of these women had a passion for their career. They started out well. They went to high school, bagged a degree from an international university, and got themselves a high paying job.

Somewhere along the line, they fell in love. They got married. They had kids.
Thereafter, things got really tough.

The job was taking too much of their time. They had little time for the husband and the kids. And they see a gap opening in the relationship and widening.

It’s the job, their career, or their husband and kids.

The choice was difficult to make. But eventually they gave up their cherished career and settled for love . . . love for their husbands and love for their kids.

Love don’t cost a thing.

Did I hear you say that?
Well, the truth is . . . love does cost something.

It may cost you . . .

  • Your career
  • Your hobby
  • Your independence
  • Your parent or entire family
    Even your life. (A young woman lost her mother and face to the bullets of her fiancee. She was ‘lucky’. Some women are killed by their boyfriends and husbands – terrible).

Are you still of the opinion that love don’t cost a thing?

Obviously, love has a price.

Falling in love can be pretty expensive. It can make you better, happier or sad and depressed. Love can ruin your life.

Put more correctly . . . misdirected love can ruin your life.

The truth is . . .

Even true love cost something. The difference is that true love is overwhelmingly beautiful and fulfilling. True love is enriching and satisfying. True love makes life worth living. True love is forever.

The challenge is how to find true love. And more importantly, how not to confuse false love for true love.
False love ruins their owners. True love builds and makes their owners better.

My advice?

Fall in love with the right person. Marry only the right man. Do not fall in love with the wrong man. Do not pursue a love relationship that is destined to fail. Falling in love with the wrong guy can ruin your life.

Love don’t cost a thing. Yet it does cost something.
Are you prepared to give what it takes to keep a love relationship? If not, fire your man and move on. You deserve better.


Marriage Fights – Who wins?

Marriage Fights – Round 1

Marriage fights are inevitable nobody is going to get along all the time. Some fights will be full of drama and others just petty little arguments. How you handle both is crucial if you want your marriage to last. You can’t expect to win every fight!

That’s right, sometimes you will be the loser and you need to be okay with that. If not, you may have a pride problem. People with pride issues have to be right all the time.

Pride can be a relationship killer and is the enemy and not a friend. Not being able to admit to being wrong in a marriage can result in unresolved conflict. This can escalate into resentment, which is an underlying anger that simmers and never gets put to rest.

To resolve marriage fights you need to keep an open mind to solutions and see things from the other person’s point of view. It’s a matter of having respect for their thoughts and feelings. In other words, it can’t be all about you. Their opinion matters too!

Both people involved in a marriage fight or conflict need to be honest about their role in the argument. Throwing blame and being in denial will not resolve anything.

Good old fashioned honest communication is what will resolve marital fights no matter how mad both of you are. Both of you must analyze your motive, behavior and actions.

If need be get a third party who can be objective such as a pastor, counselor or therapist. Sometimes well meaning family members only make matters worse.

Keep in mind that serious marriage fights can be a wake up call to get both of you to resolve issues that have been brewing for months or years.

Lastly, stay positive and believe for the best. Negativity needs to be avoided like pride and resentment. Those three are a recipe for divorce!


How To Get Over A Broken Heart

How To Get Over A Broken Heart – Not Easy Yet Not Difficult Either

Pining away for your lost love? Don’t. There are better things to do in life than cribbing and whining. Don’t worry. As a popular saying goes “You don’t die from broken heart; you only wish you did.”

Here are ways of getting over a broken heart. During the first stage you will definitely experience gnawing pain and desperation.

You will feel bitter and angry towards the world and there will be sleepless nights too.

There will also be a phase where you will miss the person terribly. You will overanalyze, blame yourself and start drinking or withdrawing yourself from the world.

But don’t worry. This too will pass. Just as two hands are required for clapping, for a relationship to succeed or fail both are equally responsible.

So stop blaming yourself and just take a break. Head out to some hill or take a vacation. Remember you are a free bird now and so just enjoy yourself.

Stop over analyzing things and do remind yourself that there will always be unanswered questions. Take lessons from this bitter experience and just move on.

Remind yourself that things will never be the same again and accept it.

If you still worry or criticize yourself then write down your problems or better still share your feelings with a friend. When you have a friend’s shoulder to cry on life looks a bit better.

Next get engaged proactively in activities. In other words keep yourself busy. When your mind is engaged in activities you will stop brooding over it.

Take care of yourself. It’s NOT easy to stop eating and be depressed. But this takes a heavy toll on your health. So eat a healthy diet and sleep well if you can. Also, there are therapists and counselors you can speak with here.

Whenever you start blaming yourself and brood over your negative traits call up your friend. Ask him or her to remind you of your good qualities. Last but not the least time is the greatest healer.

So let time do its healing on you. Who knows love may come again in your life. Till then just let go and face life as it comes.

If you think there is hope for saving your relationship, check out our section on how to get your ex back.


Preparing For Marriage; More than love

Preparing For Marriage

What is marriage preparation? Marriage preparation is education for understanding and accepting the challenges that govern a successful marriage. Preparing for marriage often focuses on developing skills such as communication, conflict resolution and solving problems.

This is something that is clearly needed in the America and it’s western counterparts since our divorce rate is at an all time high.

When couples have marriage preparation courses it cuts down the likelihood of divorce. You can think of it as premarital education. This way the couples are prepared ahead of time for problems that may come their way and how to handle them when they do.

One of the major problems of young couples considering marriage is that they believe that love is enough to get them through hard times. It would be great if this were true, but love isn’t enough if they don’t have the right attitudes and skills to handle tough situations and circumstances.

Some of the top challenges faced within the first 5 years of marriage:

* Finances – Who’s in or out of control
* Debt – Too much spending
* Sex – or lack of it
* Communication
* Expectations on chores
* Constant arguing
* Balancing career and family
* In-laws problems
* Not enough time together

These can be some tough issues to resolve, so as you can see marriage preparation would most definitely benefit couples no matter what their age or background is.

You don’t have to commit to a long course or spend a lot of money for marriage preparation you can do some simple things that will help like reading books on marriage, listening to audio tapes, doing relationship questionnaires and most churches have premarital counsel available with the pastor and or leaders of the church. If you prefer the secular approach, you can join our community of therapists and advice seekers.


Remarriage And When is it Time?

Remarriage – When is it Time?

Remarriage requires a lot of forethought.  After all, you don’t want the same thing to happen all over again. Why bother to remarry if you’re just going to end up divorced again? Time is a key factor and is different for everyone. It all depends on the baggage leftover from the previous marriage. Have you resolved your issues?

After a marriage both parties have issues, some worse than others. The person who works on their issues and resolves them is one who will be ready to remarry sooner.

If you’re not capable of having a healthy relationship remarriage should be the last thing on your mind. You have to fix YOU first! Otherwise you do the same thing over and over.

People also choose the wrong kind of people over and over again. They have a different name and face, but the same messed up behaviors. This kind of thing can go on for a lifetime if nothing is done to stop it. It becomes one drama after the next.

The reason it happens is not getting to the root of the problem and confronting it head on. For example, a woman who keeps getting into relationships with alcoholic abusive men will continue to repeat the pattern because of her co-dependency enabling issues.

If both parties had an unstable relationship that had a lot of drama in their previous marriage then premarital counseling should be considered. It’s also possible that people may be in denial that there are no issues to take care of when in reality there are.

A therapist will be able to discover the truth, but only if both parties are honest. If you’re lying to the therapist this is a strong sign you’re not ready for remarriage.

I have been there and done that. My ex sat there and blatantly lied to the lady who was our therapist. Sorry to say, at the time I didn’t handle it too well. I jumped up and pointed at him and yelled, ” You’re lying you blank blank. ” you fill it in the blanks.

It would have been better if I would have done it differently, but you get the idea. Lying will never resolve anything, in fact, it makes matters worse.

Indeed, we did split up for good not long after that. However, I believe that if he would have been honest and willing to face his issues we just might have made it work.

The way you will know if it’s time for remarriage is when you and your partner are both willing to do whatever it takes to make it work. And that’s no lie!


Marriage And Children Why Not?

Caution: Marriage And Children

Marriage and children is something a couple should discuss BEFORE they get married. This is a major decision so it must be made very clear between both parties. Otherwise, if one or the other goes into marriage thinking they’re going to have a big family, some day it may end in divorce. There’s no maybe on this one so you need to be sure.

Some think marriage and children go hand in hand, especially Christians, this is because the Bible says to be fruitful and multiply it also states that children are a gift and a blessing from God. Others, well, they make decisions based on their priorities.

For example, look at the reasons couples have who don’t want children:

1. Career – Having children will keep them from climbing the corporate ladder.

2. Money – Kids cost money and lots of it.

3. Peace – Let’s face it, kids are noisy and there’s no quiet to be had if you have them.

4. Travel – No, you just can’t pack up and leave when you have kids.

5. Personal time – No time for themselves or alone time with their spouse.

6. Freedom – They fear losing freedom to do what they want when they want.

7. Responsibility – Kids are a HUGE responsibility they don’t want.

There are more, but these are the big ones. If you aren’t married, but thinking about it, then you need to think long and hard on the topic of marriage and children then discuss it with your fiance. Be certain when you make a decision that you will not change your mind or else there could be serious problems in the marriage. If you want more advice on this topic join our community chat room and speak with our experts.