Preparing For Marriage; More than love

Preparing For Marriage

What is marriage preparation? Marriage preparation is education for understanding and accepting the challenges that govern a successful marriage. Preparing for marriage often focuses on developing skills such as communication, conflict resolution and solving problems.

This is something that is clearly needed in the America and it’s western counterparts since our divorce rate is at an all time high.

When couples have marriage preparation courses it cuts down the likelihood of divorce. You can think of it as premarital education. This way the couples are prepared ahead of time for problems that may come their way and how to handle them when they do.

One of the major problems of young couples considering marriage is that they believe that love is enough to get them through hard times. It would be great if this were true, but love isn’t enough if they don’t have the right attitudes and skills to handle tough situations and circumstances.

Some of the top challenges faced within the first 5 years of marriage:

* Finances – Who’s in or out of control
* Debt – Too much spending
* Sex – or lack of it
* Communication
* Expectations on chores
* Constant arguing
* Balancing career and family
* In-laws problems
* Not enough time together

These can be some tough issues to resolve, so as you can see marriage preparation would most definitely benefit couples no matter what their age or background is.

You don’t have to commit to a long course or spend a lot of money for marriage preparation you can do some simple things that will help like reading books on marriage, listening to audio tapes, doing relationship questionnaires and most churches have premarital counsel available with the pastor and or leaders of the church. If you prefer the secular approach, you can join our community of therapists and advice seekers.


Remarriage And When is it Time?

Remarriage – When is it Time?

Remarriage requires a lot of forethought.  After all, you don’t want the same thing to happen all over again. Why bother to remarry if you’re just going to end up divorced again? Time is a key factor and is different for everyone. It all depends on the baggage leftover from the previous marriage. Have you resolved your issues?

After a marriage both parties have issues, some worse than others. The person who works on their issues and resolves them is one who will be ready to remarry sooner.

If you’re not capable of having a healthy relationship remarriage should be the last thing on your mind. You have to fix YOU first! Otherwise you do the same thing over and over.

People also choose the wrong kind of people over and over again. They have a different name and face, but the same messed up behaviors. This kind of thing can go on for a lifetime if nothing is done to stop it. It becomes one drama after the next.

The reason it happens is not getting to the root of the problem and confronting it head on. For example, a woman who keeps getting into relationships with alcoholic abusive men will continue to repeat the pattern because of her co-dependency enabling issues.

If both parties had an unstable relationship that had a lot of drama in their previous marriage then premarital counseling should be considered. It’s also possible that people may be in denial that there are no issues to take care of when in reality there are.

A therapist will be able to discover the truth, but only if both parties are honest. If you’re lying to the therapist this is a strong sign you’re not ready for remarriage.

I have been there and done that. My ex sat there and blatantly lied to the lady who was our therapist. Sorry to say, at the time I didn’t handle it too well. I jumped up and pointed at him and yelled, ” You’re lying you blank blank. ” you fill it in the blanks.

It would have been better if I would have done it differently, but you get the idea. Lying will never resolve anything, in fact, it makes matters worse.

Indeed, we did split up for good not long after that. However, I believe that if he would have been honest and willing to face his issues we just might have made it work.

The way you will know if it’s time for remarriage is when you and your partner are both willing to do whatever it takes to make it work. And that’s no lie!


Marriage And Children Why Not?

Caution: Marriage And Children

Marriage and children is something a couple should discuss BEFORE they get married. This is a major decision so it must be made very clear between both parties. Otherwise, if one or the other goes into marriage thinking they’re going to have a big family, some day it may end in divorce. There’s no maybe on this one so you need to be sure.

Some think marriage and children go hand in hand, especially Christians, this is because the Bible says to be fruitful and multiply it also states that children are a gift and a blessing from God. Others, well, they make decisions based on their priorities.

For example, look at the reasons couples have who don’t want children:

1. Career – Having children will keep them from climbing the corporate ladder.

2. Money – Kids cost money and lots of it.

3. Peace – Let’s face it, kids are noisy and there’s no quiet to be had if you have them.

4. Travel – No, you just can’t pack up and leave when you have kids.

5. Personal time – No time for themselves or alone time with their spouse.

6. Freedom – They fear losing freedom to do what they want when they want.

7. Responsibility – Kids are a HUGE responsibility they don’t want.

There are more, but these are the big ones. If you aren’t married, but thinking about it, then you need to think long and hard on the topic of marriage and children then discuss it with your fiance. Be certain when you make a decision that you will not change your mind or else there could be serious problems in the marriage. If you want more advice on this topic join our community chat room and speak with our experts.


Why Men Leave, What Went Wrong?

Why Men Leave

Why men leave can be a mystery at times. Consequently, the woman is left behind wondering what happened or where she went wrong. The truth of the matter is that usually it’s a problem with him not her.

It’s called baggage. He brought it into the relationship with him sometimes the partner knows, but thinks she can change him or it could be he is good at hiding his feelings and she suspects nothing. Either way it ends with him leaving.

Women are always asking why men leave they just don’t get it. It’s unfortunate, but true. They can end up emotionally devastated by his quest for adventure. You see, many times men leave because they’re bored, it’s part of that baggage thing they got going on. They get bored because they’re immature and can’t cope with serious relationships.

Another part of the baggage package of why men leave is they want to go back to the past because they cannot face the reality of today. Typically, there is an old love that they idealize and think they can get back with and make it like it used to be.

Then there’s the men that aren’t really men at all, but are mama’s boys. NOBODY can live up to the way his mother is or was and he compares all women to her.  Okay that is not entirely true, but sometimes the show does fit. These guys many times go back home to live with mama so she can take care of him once again.

And yet another scenario of why men leave is the man who has been married for 30 plus years and suddenly takes off with any young woman who will give him the time of day. This guy is totally in fear of getting old and has what is known as a mid-life crisis and affair at the same time (see how to heal from an affair).

As you can see the reason why men leave isn’t due to anything the woman did, but because of this baggage he brought into the relationship. His fears, his fantasy, his dream, his adventure, it’s all about him, him, him!

When two people are married it can’t be this way it can’t be all about that one person the two have to become one. However men, or women, for that matter, with baggage, aren’t capable of this and shouldn’t be married until they have resolved past issues.


Rebound Relationships & Said Cliché

Rebound Relationships. Is This Basketball?

What are rebound relationships? What does being on the rebound mean? It means that you are fresh out of a relationship that just ended and that you may be desperate to have another one to replace the one you just lost. When it comes to marriage it means you just got separated and are possibly thinking of divorce.

Whether married or divorced rebound relationships are to be avoided! There is no way that anyone is ready for another relationship when they just got out of one.

For one thing you will bring baggage with you. This does not work for any length of time. You may be able to fake it for a little while, but it will resurface in the next relationship if not dealt with and this pattern will continue forever if you allow it.

Another problem is that you can transfer feelings for one person to another. Then you feel as though you love a person you just met and this isn’t possible,  at least not in reality.

The best thing to do is not get into rebound relationships at all. You do this by focusing on what you need to do to make yourself available for a healthy relationship. Focus on YOU! Not the ex or a new love interest.

You may need to chat with a counselor or join a 12 step group like Codependents Anonymous that will help you to stop old behaviors and patterns that are not healthy.

It’s also a good idea to stay busy with career, hobbies, friends, health or anything that is productive and prepares you for a better future.

If you’re married, but separated the last thing you need is a rebound relationship. Do what is mentioned above then maybe after you have gotten your life in order you will be an asset to the marriage and can work things out with your spouse.

Most people want a marriage to work out. After all, no matter who you marry there will be differences, maybe not the same ones, but you will have to deal with something.

Therefore, since you’ve committed time and effort into the one you’re in why not work on it? In other words, work on the one you have instead of starting all over again.

To summarize, forget rebound relationships they are a huge mistake and a waste of time if you are actually trying to salvage your relationship or marriage.


Setting Yourself Apart From Other Women – Part 1

Setting Yourself Apart From Other Women

If you want to develop a magnetic personality that draws men to you for all the right reasons, then you need to start processing a few important ideas in your mind that will ultimately connect you to the right emotions and emotional states.

Here’s how and why…
What kind of woman makes a man want to do romantic and adventurous things and stay connected and close with her? Good question. If I had to boil it down to one thing, it would be this… The single thing that attracts men for the long-term is a woman who’s in control of her own self in any situation. In other words, she’s self-aware and observes her own emotions, communication, and behavior. So the way I see it, the underpinnings of your personal success or failure with attracting men and creating great environments for long-term relationships rests on two related areas:

  1. Your Emotional State
    This includes your attitude, how you talk to yourself, your self-image, your confidence level, and your personality.)
  2. Your External Behavior & Communication
    This is everything you say and do with a man. And believe it or not, a lot of determines your emotional state.

What I’m getting at is that there’s a process of self-awareness and adjustment around the deeper stuff that includes your own psychology, beliefs, emotions, self-image, etc. that needs to take place before you can take your behavior and communication with men to where it has the effect you want with a man. For starters, you already now know how powerful and contagious your emotions can be and how they can affect other people. For example, when you’re excited, men close to you will also become more energetic and excited. And when you’re down, men are generally pulled down with you and begin to match and mirror your emotional tone—or they distance themselves and withdraw. Setting positive emotional tones is the easy and obvious way of creating a positive mood. You already know how these things work and see it everyday—so I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know about here.

But you probably want a whole lot more in your love life, right? Good. Here’s where to start then. Think for a minute about yourself and about how men in the past have become energized, attracted, and connected to you. What did you think and do to make this happen?

Stay tuned for part two of this article.


Emotional Ownership Is Emotional Intelligence

Emotional Intelligence In Your Relationship

There’s one choice you can make that will change your life for the better. No one does anything TO you – YOU do it to yourself. It’s your choice to give emotional meaning and significance to another person’s actions, and it’s your choice to decide how you want to respond. The ability to choose a better emotional state for yourself is what I call “Emotional Intelligence” And when you achieve ownership, you will also be able to help others in their emotional state.

My friend Sara is a perfect example of someone with emotional ownership. Several years ago, Sara told me about the time she was able to resolve an issue that was causing conflict in her relationship with her boyfriend. Her technique of
resolving her boyfriend’s emotional issues about commitment utterly amazed me:

“If my boyfriend is emotionally having a hard time with
anything in our relationship, or personally, I take responsibility
in helping him get it taken care of. I don’t resist him or make
anything more difficult, because I know that in the long run it’s
in the best interest of our relationship.”

I can’t tell you how awestruck I was when I heard what she said. I’d never heard a woman talk so directly about how she approached issues that affected how she got along with a man. I’ve never heard of anyone (a man or a woman) taking complete responsibility and ownership for the entire emotional experience the other person is having in a relationship.

There’s something lots of the different martial arts disciplines promote—you can use the strength, force, and energy exerted by the other person to your own benefit. When men and women argue or have other intense emotional interactions, what often happens is that the man will automatically oppose the woman’s stance. And women often do the same with men.

The better strategy is to go WITH the person, especially if there is some big issue at stake. But the key here is that you have to be in a mental and emotional place where you’re comfortable doing this—you have to have emotional ownership
for what you’re saying, feeling, and doing. To go WITH a man in this way, here are some ideas:

  1. Agree with the man’s argument. A man becomes attached to his negative feelings when he’s irritated, upset, or having a tough time with something. So he closes off his mind to other ways of seeing things. You can’t talk him out of them and when you try, you’re telling him that his feelings are wrong. This makes a man close his mind off even further. So agree with him. “Yes, there’s not much of a future for us.” When you don’t defend yourself, the man will start opening
    up and do it for you.
  2. Don’t whine, pressure, or complain. Find a way to be personally happy with the way things are and let the man be right with anything that he says is wrong. It’s not that he IS right; it’s that you can reframe what he does with it.
  3. Be a little bit less available with your time and emotions if a man is being difficult emotionally or won’t own up to his end of an issue. Give him the gift
    of missing you. All these ideas use the martial arts technique of taking the energy that’s coming at you and deflecting it from affecting you. And if things are especially difficult, just have short and simple interactions. Be happy, succinct, and talk about things other than the issue that’s looming.


Dealing With Controlling Relationships

Controlling Relationships And How To Handle Them

The worse thing in the world is to feel controlled and manipulated. Each waking day, our minds are challenged by forces that try to identify and dictates to us what we need to do. Whether we know it or not, the forces of manipulation and control are always at work even before we get out of bed in the morning.

As soon as we turn on the morning show to watch a little T.V. before we go to work, we are always dealing with control. There will always be influences that try to get you to give up a piece if your mental sovereignty. It’s like the famous saying… “A mind is a terrible thing to waste!” The issue and elements of control and domination is an element of life that people battle with on a daily basis.

Nothing is more challenging than putting up with people who have power and control issues. This is one of the mysteries of life, which is, how does this kind of behavior exist in human beings and how can this behavior be corrected to advance the world into better relationships between countries, families, friends and strangers. The answer is not an easy one.

Controlling behavior and people kill relationships and can actually cause angst and anxiety. Here in America, it can also be linked to status and social problems.

People who are controlling are actually fearful and scared. To them, it’s easier to go the route of controlling people instead of dealing with people from a level of self respect and dignity. To them, having a controlling attitude saves energy and time. These people have visions of acting like an all powerful God with an overruling dominance over the lives of others. Life, to them is no sweat when giving the commands rather than receiving them.

“People who are controlling are actually fearful and scared.”

Gangs such as the Crips and the Bloods use the art of psychological control to intimidate weaker members of the gang and enemies of the gang. Controlling people violates the moral code of others without any respect to their human nature yet people allow them to continue to control.

Most of us are controlled on a subliminal level. There are mechanisms that were created to separate you from your money (loud television ads), national gossip magazines and journals (junk food for the mind) and other things that invade your peace of being. The result is a reaction to being controlled with trying to become controlling in our own lives. The result is negative.

All emotional and verbal abuse is looking for an element to control. It’s like a negative energy attaching itself to a positive energy only in a controlling atmosphere; it drains the life out of you. All people want the edge in life and they will use control and manipulation to get what they want. We’ve been taught materialism and capitalism promotes status. How wrong we are!

Behavior that attempts to control you – regardless of the intensity – breaches your emotional borders and becomes abuse.

Being used or using others in this level of abuse is more than the obvious problems. Bullying takes effect when someone is called a name or made fun of. It also is part of things such as temper tantrums. On more obvious levels, this abuse can be seen in forms of physical violence that is used to intimidate others. Intimidation and bullying can even take place at higher levels, where individuals will use their status to place themselves above others. Despite what many have come to believe, control and abuse have become a part of culture on several levels.

Subtle controllers, subtle manipulators
Emotionally mature people raise children with respect for the lives of others, dignity, self worth while making others around them feel comfortable. These people do not show their children how to hate, intimidate and control others that are different from them or others that they might want to use as a crutch for their emotions.

Subtle controllers can be the worst because they basically don’t talk at all but you can see their disposition in their actions towards people or another person. These are the individuals that you never want to go to help for because they will hold it over you for 100 years or more and they will, in essence, try to control their relationship with you via money and materialism.

These types of people seem to be okay on the outside but on the inside of their heart, they are full of deceit and lying. Their type of behavior comes on display after the light is turned on in your mind and sometimes our minds are sending us messages that we fail to listen to.

A relationship or friendship with a controller is always unhealthy and will take eventually, lead to the person being controlled, seeking counseling for their problem. When you feel off balance and that you don’t have the freedom to be you or feel that something is rotten in Denmark, then it’s time to check and getting rid of situations that are fully of trouble and contempt.

Self Check Analysis – What goes around comes around
Sometimes, we can be controlling and not know it. If you do have that problem, consider these things:

  • Am I sincere in what I’m thinking or doing?
  • Am I trying to hold someone hostage?
  • Am I being prejudiced?
  • Do I hate the person for no reason at all?

You know what goes around, comes around. I am a firm believer in Universal Law and karma. The karma will follow you like a wet blanket until you realize that you have to be baptized into all truth. This truth is the truth about ourselves. Once we are baptized into the higher knowledge of divine knowledge of the soul, then a person has a chance to learn and grow within themselves.

Protecting Yourself from Controlling Behavior

The damage of being controlled even once by someone will persist as long as you remain in the presence is having active communication with the person. Even if the person has perceived to be changed, they could pretty much be the same lame person that they were before and even lamer this time around!

Keep yourself free from these people and you’ll see your environment and health improve.


Fabulous Dating tips for women

Dating Tips for Women

As you peruse these pages of dating tips for women, never forget this: There is no one else out there like you. You are unique – and it is YOUR personal responsibility to let that uniqueness shine through in all your dating related activities.

Consider this: There are thousands of species of fireflies (or lightning bugs). Do you know how one species of firefly finds its mate? Take a guess. That’s right – it blinks. But, it blinks with a special blink that is only attractive to its own species.

This is what I want for you!! I want you to Blink YOUR Unique Blink! It is the ONLY true way to attract a mate that desires your species. Yes, yes, yes, I know men are a “different” specifies…but, you get my point, right?

Want personalized dating tips for women?

In the page links below, you’ll find loads of dating advice for women. Some of these tips are quick and easy to implement, others might require a bit more effort to apply. In these dating tips for women pages, you will also have access to your very own relationship expert that you can call upon at any time.

Learn how to start a conversation with any man you’d like to meet.
Conversation Starters You Can Use with Attractive Men.

Find out what dating conversation topics really matter on the first few dates.
Learn how to attract a man in the right way. Five things you can employ starting today.

What helps a woman succeed at dating over 40? Find out below.
Tips for Dating Over 40

If you find yourself wanting something that is not covered in this dating tips for women section, please drop me an email. I will make every effort to find tools or resources that will help you reach your dating objectives.


How Is Life After Marriage, When You Have Kids?

Tips On How To Survive: Life After Marriage?

Life after marriage is very overwhelming especially if you have kids. You would have to fight for custody and if you win, you would bear the burden of raising the children. Yes, there might be some financial support coming from your ex-husband but that would never replace the emotional benefits of having a father around. Plus, the emotional strain that the divorce will bring your children will only make it doubly difficult for you to bear the separation. So how do you get through a divorce with kids? Is there life after marriage?

Pull yourself together.

If you are not yourself, you will not be able to give your whole to support your kids emotionally as they begin a new life as an incomplete family. So you need to convince yourself that this is not the end of life. Remove all catastrophic thoughts from your mind because they are not real. Your life is not over and you haven’t lost everything.

How do you get through a divorce by convincing yourself of this? Because your outlook in life will hold a positive impact on how you deal with the divorce and how you will react to it. You never know for sure. You might be able to stop your divorce.

Never regret.

Sure, you may have done your part as to why the relationship failed but remember that you also did your part as to why it started. Never show any signs of regret because for the kids, that would feel like you regret their existence too. Besides, you can never do what has already been done so just accept the fact that your marriage didn’t work out and move on. It’s the best that you can do for your children at the moment.

Talk to your kids.

And this does not mean just talking to them – communicate. Tell them what’s going on, ask them what they’re feeling and explain to them how things will get better soon. Listen to their answers too because it is from there that you will get to understand the things that you need to do on how do you get through a divorce.

Build a new relationship with your ex.

Every child born out of your union is one-half you and one-half your ex. By completely removing your ex-husband from the picture, you are also removing half of your child’s personality. So don’t do that. Instead, try to define a new relationship with your ex for your children’s sake. If you cannot be friends yet, then at least be common allies of your kids. Life after marriage doesn’t have to hurt your kids.

Create a support group.

Really, how do you get through a divorce on your own? The truth is, no matter how strong you think you are, you cannot get through a divorce alone. So create a support group that you can rely on. Your closest friends and family members could becomes your group and don’t worry, they love being asked for help. So go ahead and ask.